Tuesday, May 17, 2011

2 years ago today....

Well, here I am.  It is May 17th ~ a day exactly 2 years ago when my world shattered to pieces.  We received the most horrible news that any expectant parent could possibly hear.  It was around 11am when we lost her, we believe in Church.  These are moments that will likely haunt me forever.

Surprisingly, I am not sad.  I am not angry.  I feel completely filled with peace for the first time in a long time.  I owe this completely to the people in my life who support me, love me unconditionally, and lift me up in my faith.  I still miss my daughter so much that it hurts, but now understand the meaning of her life and how she has changed the lives of everyone who knows her name.

Last week, I received a phone call from Savannah.  No, I am not crazy and yes, you read correct.  The call came in on May 11th at 8:44pm.  My husband and I were both home, a phone within reach of both of us.  I was lying in bed with Jeremy next to me as he fell asleep, protecting him from "scary monsters."  Later, I noticed the blinking light on the phone, indicating a voicemail.  In fact, it woke me up again in the middle of the night.  I got up out of my bed, picked up the phone, and put it in a drawer, and went back to sleep.

The next morning, I listened to it.  There was no phone number attached to the message.  It stopped me in my tracks.  Here is what I heard:

After listening to the message with my untrained ear, I knew it was Savannah and I was immediately filled with peace. It was a feeling unlike anything I have ever felt before. I am so honored that Savannah reached out to me.

To the human year, it just sounds like static or white noise, but not quite. I had the sounds analyzed by 16 different people who are trained in spirit communications and the translation was:

"Mommy, I am here. Mommy, I love you. It's me, Mommy. It's me. I miss you. Hi Mommy. Hi, hi, hi. I love you, Mommy."

Wow.  Gives you chills, doesn't it?  Faith is believing and trusting when you do not understand.

My Dad sent me this book, "Burst" by Kevin Wells. IT was not the book that I was expecting to pick up and read, and it too, brought me peace and hope. I learned that suffering is a gift from God. In times of deep pain and sorrow, it is then that we are closer to God. He is not inflicting it upon us, but rather using it as a tool to strengthen our faith. It is easy to question and wonder why things have happened, but in reality, each person has had their fair share of tragedy. It is an opportunity for growth and a lesson on how we can do better.

Today, as 11am inches closer in time, please pray for me and my family. It will undoubtedly be difficult for us to relive moment by moment of the tragedy that unfolded, but we have forgiveness in our hearts and an unconditional love for Savannah for who she is, and not what she wasn't.

Here are a few of my favorite quotes about Grace, the amazing gift that Savannah Grace has brought to our lives and everyone who knows her:

"Grace is what God gives us when we don't deserve and mercy is when God doesn't give us what we do deserve."

"Grace meets you where you are, but it doesn't leave you where it found you." ~ Anne Lamott

"There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it." ~ Edith Warton

"I don't think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that still remains." ~ Anne Frank

Happy 2nd Birthday in Heaven, my love.


  1. Oh honey. {{hugs}} I cannot tell you how much your blog makes my heart ache. You are a wonderful, beautiful, mother. Savannah would be so proud of you, with your insight & compassion. I know today is so very hard, and I will say a prayer for you right now.

  2. I will be thinking of you and your family today. Praying for strength, peace, and comfort!

  3. Every year as our daughters birthday's near I think of you and your sweet little girl. <3 I'm reminded of our journey's through pregnancy. I remember the complete heartbreak I felt for you when I heard the news. I pray for you and your family often.
    Please know that on days when my sweet Bella drives me crazy and I'm feeling stressed, I remember Savannah. Some times for no reason at all it's like something speaks to me and makes me think of her and reminds of me what a blessing children are. She helps me to remember to take those extra moments with my girls and play with them, laugh with them, enjoy them.
    I want you to know that in our family your sweet Savannah will never be forgotten and every year when Bella's birthday comes near(and Savannah's as well) my husband and I pray for Savannah and send a birthday wish her way.
    May God Bless you and your family.
    You're a true inspiration with your strength, peace & love.
    ~Sara Keast

  4. Love you guys! Got this in just under the wire!

  5. What an amazing gift! It definitely brought tears to my eyes and gave me chills! How comforting to know she's doing well. :)