Sunday, May 16, 2010

Going to Church on Sunday...

Today has been rather difficult for me. We are getting ready to celebrate Savannah's 1st Birthday in Heaven this week, but today has been harder on me than anything. I woke up and went to Chuch the same way I did one year ago today. We believe that it was in Church that we lost her.


I sat through the mass and listened to the readings which centered around the Ascension and saying goodbye. I didn't want to say goodbye to my daughter ~ not today, not a year ago, not ever! I should be throwing her a fabulous birthday party as I did for my son. She should be getting ready to take her first steps. She should have a beautiful dress on and bows in her hair. Forget that I was robbed of all of these things ~ my daughter was robbed of them.


I went to the cemetary, as we do every Sunday after Church. It's just not fair. I loved her and wanted her so very much. I just feel broken. When I lost her, I lost everything. She will always be missing from our family photos. She will never get to share her toys with her brother. She never even opened her eyes.


I stopped by the Bakery to order a Birthday cake for a picnic that my husband, son, and I will have tomorrow to celebrate her birthday. The dates don't add up, but I lost her on a Sunday, and gave birth to her on a Monday morning. Tuesday is not her birthday. It will be the 18th of May when I delivered her, but that's not her birthday. The poor lady in the bakery had to deal with me crying my eyes out as I described to her what I wanted on her cake.


I am just so full of anger and loss. I can't save for her wedding; I can't watch her graduate from Kindergarden; I can't dress her in pretty outfits or make sure that her hair always has bows in it. My son looks at her picture and says "Baby hurt." She's not hurt, but it breaks my heart that he thinks of her that way.


Savannah's death was completely preventable and should not have happened. But it did. I can't change what happened to her, but how can I view her death with peace? How can I truely celebrate her 1st Birthday in Heaven when I am still so angry and hurt and selfishly want her here?