In the meantime, I have had a few struggles. She needed a new crib and I was tempted to use Savannah's crib bedding. I had picked out ballerina stuff for Savannah. It was my dream that she would love ballet as much as I did. I began to cry while out running errands shopping for a crib and new car seat. I felt like I was being a bad mom to Savannah if I used her things. But I also thought that Savannah would want me to use her things. For some reason, I just didn't feel right about it. I ended up deciding to get her new stuff in a buttefly theme. To me, butterflies symbolize new life and a new beginning and that is exactly what we hope for this little girl.
My biggest fear is that as she grows up and learns more and more about Savannah, that she will feel like a replacement child. In the many books and articles that I have read, I get it. I understand that children who follow stillbirths always feel like a replacement and are treated differently. Think about it ~ it is pretty hard to compete with a child who lives in Heaven and never had a chance to do anything wrong. I sincerley hope that this little girl never feels that way towards us and I hope that Savannah never feels as though we are replacing her. Even though I have an adorable girl to dress cute and put bows in her hair, she's not Savannah and she never will be. They are 2 completely different people with different talents and intersts and passions. I want this little girl to be herself and do whatever she wants to do (although I would like her to at least try some ballet lessons). It's a hard thing to swallow and I feel like it's something I will struggle with until the day I die. I just want what is best for both of my little girls and I want to be the best Mommy I can be.