Friday, July 8, 2011

Infertility...

**Probably not a good idea to read if you are currently pregnant.  Then again, maybe you can learn something.

Do you know what Infertility is like?  A few years ago, I didn't either.  I think Infertility is something that happens to people, such as myself, who are control freaks.  Having another baby is just timing, right?  Wrong.  I have learned the hard way that there are some things people just can't control, even me.

I can't control the fact that some people are extremely fertile.  Lucky them.  Some people keep getting pregnant and then use things like abortion as a birth control method.  I try not to judge, but it's hard.  Some people just keep having babies and then complain about how expensive it is.

Then, there are others who claim to be infertile who do it for attention.  You are not infertile because you had 2 miscarriages and then go on to have 3 or 4 more children.  You are especially not infertile if you go and brag to others who are infertile that you are now pregnant again unplanned because ~ surprise surprise ~ you decided your family was complete but didn't use birth control.  Someone who is infertile or who has infertility does not rub an unplanned pregnancy in the face of others.  I have to question if that person was ever infertile to begin with.

For anyone who has no idea what I am talking about, I will use an example using chocolate.  Pretend that you are standing in the middle of a circle and for some reason, all you want is some chocolate but you don't have any.  You are craving it and have wanted some for a very long time.  Now, you are circled by others who are eating chocolate in front of you.  You try to be happy watching them enjoy their chocolate, but perhaps one or two of these ladies are overweight or diabetic and you know they really shouldn't be eating that chocolate.  Then someone comes from outside the circle into the middle to meet you.  They say, I understand, I want some chocolate too and it really sucks to be surrounded by people eating chocolate.  But wait a minute!  There's something in my back pocket! says this other woman.  It's a chocolate bar!  I know it's melted a little bit, but I am going to lick it off my fingers right in front of you.  That's exactly how it feels to struggle with infertility and watch everyone around you get pregnant.

I know that the events that have happened in my life have left me a changed person.  There are times when I still struggle with anger and bitterness.  For the most part, I don't complain.  I understand that life just isn't fair and sometimes there are people in it who unknowingly make it much harder on you.  Infertility sucks because you can't control it, you can't wish it away, it just is.  There are good days and bad days.  But please understand that if you are near someone with it, please try to have some empathy and do not lick your chocolate off your fingers in front of them.  It's really just cruel.

I hope one day we will have lots more children to add to our family.  I hope it will be soon.  I know that my experiences have changed me as a person, in every way.  As much as pregnancy scares me, I know and appreciate what a blessing it is.  I know that every second of morning sickness, backache, ankle swelling is a direct result of the miracle of life.  If you are pregnant, please don't complain about not being able to drink or smoke or eat whatever you want.  I know several people who would chew off their arm to be where you are right now.

Pregnancy is the biggest blessing in the world, but it is so easy to take for granted.  Enjoy each and every day and thank God for the miracle that is growing within you.  Focus on loving your baby rather than complaining.  I have never been shy about the fact that this is my biggest regret while I was pregnant with Savannah.  I complained.  I worried.  I anticipated everything.  I didn't take the time to tell her how much I loved her and wanted her.

You never know what someone else has on their plate or in their heart.  I am who I am today because of what happened.  I wish more than anything that I could go back in time and be that ignorant again where I didn't know all that I know today.  But I can't.  And each time since Savannah that I have been pregnant, I have focused on loving that baby for each and every day they grew within my belly.  Because of this, I have no regrets when they left me to be with Savannah.  Tell me, if you are pregnant and everything ends tomorrow, would you have regrets?

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