Sometimes, even 20 months after my first loss, I still have sad days. I am always aware of what is missing from my life and from my family. As I look around me, it appears as though everyone is pregnant. I can't turn on the TV without catching the newest episode of Teen Mom, or hearing about Nicole Kidman or Kate Hudson. I'm not ashamed to admit that I still have bad days; days full of bitterness, anger, and jealousy. It's part of the journey of grief that I will be on for the rest of my life.
I didn't want to have to share that we had lost another baby. I didn't want to share that the baby count in Heaven now stands at 5. Those are numbers that no one wants to share or hear about me. But not saying it out loud doesn't mean it didn't happen. It doesn't make the pain any less. It doesn't make me feel better about the things that have happened.
A good friend reminded me today that Savannah went from a good place into an even better one, one that we can only imagine. She reminded me that Savannah wasn't robbed of anything, but rather I was robbed of everything. I am painfully aware that my chances of ever having a living child may have very well died with Savannah that day back in May of 2009. I cannot describe the hurt in my heart that I can't see her face or watch her grow up. I can't stand the fact that it may be a reality that Jeremy will be an only child. One day, when my husband and I are gone, who will he have?
It's OK to have sad days. These days bring me closer to Savannah. There is a quote that HM Queen Elizabeth II said after September 11, 2001 in a speech about our shared anguish after the terror attacks on our nation - "Grief is the price you pay for love." There is no doubt that Savannah is truly and deeply loved by many.