Sometimes, even 20 months after my first loss, I still have sad days. I am always aware of what is missing from my life and from my family. As I look around me, it appears as though everyone is pregnant. I can't turn on the TV without catching the newest episode of Teen Mom, or hearing about Nicole Kidman or Kate Hudson. I'm not ashamed to admit that I still have bad days; days full of bitterness, anger, and jealousy. It's part of the journey of grief that I will be on for the rest of my life.
I didn't want to have to share that we had lost another baby. I didn't want to share that the baby count in Heaven now stands at 5. Those are numbers that no one wants to share or hear about me. But not saying it out loud doesn't mean it didn't happen. It doesn't make the pain any less. It doesn't make me feel better about the things that have happened.
A good friend reminded me today that Savannah went from a good place into an even better one, one that we can only imagine. She reminded me that Savannah wasn't robbed of anything, but rather I was robbed of everything. I am painfully aware that my chances of ever having a living child may have very well died with Savannah that day back in May of 2009. I cannot describe the hurt in my heart that I can't see her face or watch her grow up. I can't stand the fact that it may be a reality that Jeremy will be an only child. One day, when my husband and I are gone, who will he have?
It's OK to have sad days. These days bring me closer to Savannah. There is a quote that HM Queen Elizabeth II said after September 11, 2001 in a speech about our shared anguish after the terror attacks on our nation - "Grief is the price you pay for love." There is no doubt that Savannah is truly and deeply loved by many.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Happy 3rd Birthday to M.!
I knew this day would come. I thought about it over Christmas. Each time I go into the refrigerator, I see the "Big Top Cupcake" that we ordered back in September in preparation for this day. I pulled out all of the "3rd Birthday" signs and balloons that were leftover from Jeremy's Birthday Party. I thought about her on the way to Church. I thought about her all day. I think about her every day.
Today is M's 3rd Birthday. Many of you have wondered since I don't speak of her anymore what happened. It is too painful for us to talk about. We wanted things to go so differently. We wanted to adopt her. More than anything, we wanted to "love" her back to health. But we couldn't. We think about our failures all the time. Many people assure us that it wasn't a failure, that each of us has limits.
I called M. tonight to wish her a Happy Birthday. I was overjoyed when she responded to the sound of my voice and made some cooing noises. My heart was overjoyed when she responded to Eric and to Jeremy. I wonder each day what our lives would be like if she were still here.
As I made the long drive out to Virginia Beach for an event, I thought about how things had gone so wrong. We made some classic rookie mistakes. We went in full steam as soon as we learned that she would likely become adoptable. We went on a mission to "fix" her. We thought that if we surrounded her with the love and attention that she had lacked for the previous 2.5 years, she would get better. Her problems were so severe. No one knew the full extent of her issues, myself included. We took her to evaluations, tests, therapy, social interactions, and family events. We included her in everything. We wanted her and loved her. We were protective of her. She deserved nothing less.
I was disappointed to learn that she still isn't talking or eating. I was disheartened to hear the many different conflicting diagnosises that she has received since leaving us. Her new foster mom is great, but she is quickly realizing the same things that we did. M.will likely never be able to live independantly. She has made little to no progress. Doctors want to wait until she is verbal before evaluating her mental needs. They fail to realize that she will likely never be verbal. It is all very heartbreaking.
On the up side, we are thrilled that she remembered our voices and responded positively. I was thrilled to hear that she received the dress with her name embroidered on it and she wore it to Church on Christmas. I was thrilled to hear that she loves all of the toys that I put on her Christmas list, especially the toy shopping cart and plastic food. I spent hours researching what would be most helpful and appropriate for her levels and I was so happy to hear that she is enjoying everything.
I am fully aware of what we gave up when she left our home, but I also realized that it was affecting our family, especially Jeremy. She brought out some unresolved grief issues and I have to thank her for that. She has brought us closer together and helped to heal our family a little more than had she not been brought into our life. I miss her dearly, but I know that she needed so much more than we could give her.
Happy Birthday, sweet girl. You will always have such a special place in our hearts and we look forward to seeing you soon!
Today is M's 3rd Birthday. Many of you have wondered since I don't speak of her anymore what happened. It is too painful for us to talk about. We wanted things to go so differently. We wanted to adopt her. More than anything, we wanted to "love" her back to health. But we couldn't. We think about our failures all the time. Many people assure us that it wasn't a failure, that each of us has limits.
I called M. tonight to wish her a Happy Birthday. I was overjoyed when she responded to the sound of my voice and made some cooing noises. My heart was overjoyed when she responded to Eric and to Jeremy. I wonder each day what our lives would be like if she were still here.
As I made the long drive out to Virginia Beach for an event, I thought about how things had gone so wrong. We made some classic rookie mistakes. We went in full steam as soon as we learned that she would likely become adoptable. We went on a mission to "fix" her. We thought that if we surrounded her with the love and attention that she had lacked for the previous 2.5 years, she would get better. Her problems were so severe. No one knew the full extent of her issues, myself included. We took her to evaluations, tests, therapy, social interactions, and family events. We included her in everything. We wanted her and loved her. We were protective of her. She deserved nothing less.
I was disappointed to learn that she still isn't talking or eating. I was disheartened to hear the many different conflicting diagnosises that she has received since leaving us. Her new foster mom is great, but she is quickly realizing the same things that we did. M.will likely never be able to live independantly. She has made little to no progress. Doctors want to wait until she is verbal before evaluating her mental needs. They fail to realize that she will likely never be verbal. It is all very heartbreaking.
On the up side, we are thrilled that she remembered our voices and responded positively. I was thrilled to hear that she received the dress with her name embroidered on it and she wore it to Church on Christmas. I was thrilled to hear that she loves all of the toys that I put on her Christmas list, especially the toy shopping cart and plastic food. I spent hours researching what would be most helpful and appropriate for her levels and I was so happy to hear that she is enjoying everything.
I am fully aware of what we gave up when she left our home, but I also realized that it was affecting our family, especially Jeremy. She brought out some unresolved grief issues and I have to thank her for that. She has brought us closer together and helped to heal our family a little more than had she not been brought into our life. I miss her dearly, but I know that she needed so much more than we could give her.
Happy Birthday, sweet girl. You will always have such a special place in our hearts and we look forward to seeing you soon!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Christmas 2010
Christmas was a whirlwind! We spent a lot of time together and it was very peaceful! It was very important to instill in Jeremy some family traditions.
We baked plates of cookies for the Sheriff's Department & Social Services. We want to teach Jeremy that Christmas is about showing your appreciation for others, especially those who work hard to keep us safe. This will hopefully be an annual bake-a-thon!
We took a carriage ride...
We went to Church on Christmas Eve...
Later that afternoon, it started to snow....and snow....and snow more!
We were aware that someone very important to us was missing, but we tried to focus on our blessings and look forward to the year ahead. Hope is something we can never give up on, and we have turned to our faith to get us through the difficult times while being so thankful for everything we have been blessed with.
Many blessings to you today and tomorrow and always!
~ Shannon
We baked plates of cookies for the Sheriff's Department & Social Services. We want to teach Jeremy that Christmas is about showing your appreciation for others, especially those who work hard to keep us safe. This will hopefully be an annual bake-a-thon!
Savannah got a new festive Flowerball!
We took a carriage ride...
We saw Santa and his fabulous emeral green chair...
We set up the train set to go around the Christmas tree and put out the presents....
We went to Church on Christmas Eve...
And then we all went to bed and anxiously awaited what Santa would bring...
Later that afternoon, it started to snow....and snow....and snow more!
We were aware that someone very important to us was missing, but we tried to focus on our blessings and look forward to the year ahead. Hope is something we can never give up on, and we have turned to our faith to get us through the difficult times while being so thankful for everything we have been blessed with.
Many blessings to you today and tomorrow and always!
~ Shannon
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Elizabeth Edwards and the impact she has left behind...
I'm sure most of you heard this week that Elizabeth Edwards lost her 6 year battle with cancer. No one can deny what an outstanding woman, leader, mom, or example she was. Earlier this week, I made a comment about the loss and placed a small dig about her being misguided as a Democrat. While Democrats and I do not see eye to eye on many issues, primarily abortion, I didn't really have any idea of just how amazing Elizabeth was.
For example, I had no idea that she had lost her son 14 years ago in a freak car accident or how that same year she established a foundation in his memory. After watching all 1 hour and 23 minutes of her funeral, I learned about how she visited her son, Wade's grave, to whose side she is now buried, each and every day until the day she gave birth to her daughter. I didn't know that she read him the bible, poetry, and other literary works at his gravesite. I didn't know that she tended to him, brought new flowers, and while cleaning off his grave after a storm, would also clean the graves of those buried with him. She knew their names and their stories. I had no idea how much Elizabeth & I had in common, although I am certainly not comparable to her.
She had the ability to always be brave and look at the bright side of things. Even in the face of death, she spent years writing letters to her children filled with advice and love for them to treasure even after she was gone. She was smart, very smart, had a great sense of humor and the ability to laugh at herself. She was so much more than a politician's wife.
As I grieve over the loss of an amazing woman, I have to tell you how wrong I was to initially post a dig about her being a Democrat. Cancer has no likeness of political party, and whatever her beliefs, she was strong and convicted, the same way I am in my beliefs. While I wish that I would have learned more about her sooner, I can follow the example that she set. Amidst great turmoil, embarrassment, and shame, she carried herself with dignity, grace, and hope. She never felt like a victim.
I would be lying to you if I didn't think to myself regularly, "Why me?" or "Why Savannah?" Savannah's life was a blessing to me, each and every day of those 40 weeks and 3 days. She has given me hope to persevere in the midst of doubt and anger. We cannot advance in life if we aren't willing to take risks. Savannah has inspired others with her story, her life, and the life lessons that her life has taught our family.
Just as Elizabeth Edwards has done, each week, when I visit Savannah and clean her grave site, I hope that one day, after I am gone, that Jeremy will do the same. I pray that he will also lovingly take care of Savannah's neighbors. A very dear and wise friend told me about how she would visit the graves of her parents, kneel down, and clean them with Pledge. I had never thought about using Pledge before. I purchased a can and one Sunday, after Church, I cleaned her grave. As I stood back, I noticed how clean and shiny her headstone was. I thought to myself, it's not fair that the others do not have nice and shiny headstones. They are no less loved than Savannah even though they may not be visited as frequently. I wanted to get home to Jeremy and Eric. I started to walk back to my car and thought, I don't have enough paper towels to do it today. I will do it next time. As I opened up the back to put away my pledge and brush, there sat a brand new roll of paper towels. I knew it was Savannah telling me to take care of her friends. It took me nearly an hour to clean off the stones of nearly 40 other babies that are buried with Savannah. But I know it's what she wanted me to do. I never planned to share this story, but it's just one example of how she continues to speak through me.
I depend on Savannah and I look to her when I am in doubt. I look to her for comfort when I am missing her so dearly. I ask Jeremy questions about her because I want him to know all about his sister. She will always be a part of our family and even though I want her here with me every second of every minute of every day, I know she is in a better place. I know she is with God in a paradise that I can only imagine. I know that people that I loved so dearly on this Earth are taking care of her, enjoying her, and holding her hand for me until we are reunited.
She has taught me that I have to move on and move forward. I know in my heart that Savannah's work on Earth was done, but I have more work to do. I have wondered why God took Savannah and not me. After all, I have lived a good life, had many opportunities, found true love, got married, and had a family. I have been very blessed. This is I'm sure what each mother dreams of for the life of their daughter. Each of us has a mission and what we choose to do with it, make of it, or simply choose to ignore it is up to us. I had an opportunity to use my skills and talents and passions for good and I strive each day to do that because it's what Savannah would have wanted. No one cares about me or my accomplishments. It is Savannah whose life and story would impact so many. It is Savannah who has impacted this world. I am only her Mother and her voice, but the messages I share are undoubtedly hers.
So, I apologize to Elizabeth Edwards and anyone who was offended with my words. She was an amazing woman, and her legacy & everything that she stood for in this world will last long into the future.
Love to you & your family,
Shannon
For example, I had no idea that she had lost her son 14 years ago in a freak car accident or how that same year she established a foundation in his memory. After watching all 1 hour and 23 minutes of her funeral, I learned about how she visited her son, Wade's grave, to whose side she is now buried, each and every day until the day she gave birth to her daughter. I didn't know that she read him the bible, poetry, and other literary works at his gravesite. I didn't know that she tended to him, brought new flowers, and while cleaning off his grave after a storm, would also clean the graves of those buried with him. She knew their names and their stories. I had no idea how much Elizabeth & I had in common, although I am certainly not comparable to her.
She had the ability to always be brave and look at the bright side of things. Even in the face of death, she spent years writing letters to her children filled with advice and love for them to treasure even after she was gone. She was smart, very smart, had a great sense of humor and the ability to laugh at herself. She was so much more than a politician's wife.
As I grieve over the loss of an amazing woman, I have to tell you how wrong I was to initially post a dig about her being a Democrat. Cancer has no likeness of political party, and whatever her beliefs, she was strong and convicted, the same way I am in my beliefs. While I wish that I would have learned more about her sooner, I can follow the example that she set. Amidst great turmoil, embarrassment, and shame, she carried herself with dignity, grace, and hope. She never felt like a victim.
I would be lying to you if I didn't think to myself regularly, "Why me?" or "Why Savannah?" Savannah's life was a blessing to me, each and every day of those 40 weeks and 3 days. She has given me hope to persevere in the midst of doubt and anger. We cannot advance in life if we aren't willing to take risks. Savannah has inspired others with her story, her life, and the life lessons that her life has taught our family.
Just as Elizabeth Edwards has done, each week, when I visit Savannah and clean her grave site, I hope that one day, after I am gone, that Jeremy will do the same. I pray that he will also lovingly take care of Savannah's neighbors. A very dear and wise friend told me about how she would visit the graves of her parents, kneel down, and clean them with Pledge. I had never thought about using Pledge before. I purchased a can and one Sunday, after Church, I cleaned her grave. As I stood back, I noticed how clean and shiny her headstone was. I thought to myself, it's not fair that the others do not have nice and shiny headstones. They are no less loved than Savannah even though they may not be visited as frequently. I wanted to get home to Jeremy and Eric. I started to walk back to my car and thought, I don't have enough paper towels to do it today. I will do it next time. As I opened up the back to put away my pledge and brush, there sat a brand new roll of paper towels. I knew it was Savannah telling me to take care of her friends. It took me nearly an hour to clean off the stones of nearly 40 other babies that are buried with Savannah. But I know it's what she wanted me to do. I never planned to share this story, but it's just one example of how she continues to speak through me.
I depend on Savannah and I look to her when I am in doubt. I look to her for comfort when I am missing her so dearly. I ask Jeremy questions about her because I want him to know all about his sister. She will always be a part of our family and even though I want her here with me every second of every minute of every day, I know she is in a better place. I know she is with God in a paradise that I can only imagine. I know that people that I loved so dearly on this Earth are taking care of her, enjoying her, and holding her hand for me until we are reunited.
She has taught me that I have to move on and move forward. I know in my heart that Savannah's work on Earth was done, but I have more work to do. I have wondered why God took Savannah and not me. After all, I have lived a good life, had many opportunities, found true love, got married, and had a family. I have been very blessed. This is I'm sure what each mother dreams of for the life of their daughter. Each of us has a mission and what we choose to do with it, make of it, or simply choose to ignore it is up to us. I had an opportunity to use my skills and talents and passions for good and I strive each day to do that because it's what Savannah would have wanted. No one cares about me or my accomplishments. It is Savannah whose life and story would impact so many. It is Savannah who has impacted this world. I am only her Mother and her voice, but the messages I share are undoubtedly hers.
So, I apologize to Elizabeth Edwards and anyone who was offended with my words. She was an amazing woman, and her legacy & everything that she stood for in this world will last long into the future.
Love to you & your family,
Shannon
Monday, November 15, 2010
October & November Happenings...
Hi Everyone!
I know it's been awhile since I have posted on here. I guess I just found it difficult to put into words all the different feelings that I have been having lately. So, here's what's been going on!
We had a great Halloween in our new neighborhood. It's known as the hottest place in town and we were ready! With over 500 pieces of chocolate, we were prepared for the masses! We carved the pumpkins and made Halloween cookies for the neighbors. We love our neighbors!! I can't say enough good things about them! It's like having 2 sets of parents/grandparents for Jeremy!! And the best part is that they don't call the cops on us when the dogs get out. Although, they really don't get out anymore, but I'm sure if they did, they would let us know and return them.
Jeremy was the Cookie Monster for Halloween. This costume is so special to me because my Mom made it nearly 40 years ago. All 3 of my sisters and myself have worn it as well as my neice, Madilyn. Jeremy actually wore it last year too, but sadly, he caught the Swine Flu the day before so he was quarantined in the house. I was worried that it might not fit, but it did and he loved it! We had a hard time keeping the top part on, but we were able to bribe Jeremy for a few pictures.
Before we went Trick-Or-Treating, we spent the day at Busch Gardens for Hallow-Scream! It wasn't scary during the daytime and Jeremy really enjoyed being able to ride all the rides one last time before the season closed. He even got to meet Cookie Monster himself!
After Halloween, we taught Jeremy about All Saints Day and how it's a very special day that we get to remember his Sissy, Savannah. We also took the time to remember each of his great-grandparents who live in Heaven, as well as some of our fish who didn't survive the move. I'm fairly certain he has a good understanding.
Last week, I underwent surgery to try to repair my "reproductive organs" in the hopes of having successful pregnancies in the future. I had 6 different procedures done and according to Eric, everything went very well. In fact, they showed him pictures and handed him a video, which in turn, made him toss his cookies. I have no interest in seeing such things but I am interested in listening to the commentary during the surgery. We'll see if I can build up the stomach for that!
As I am recovering and getting back on my feet, we are preparing for Eric to have knee surgery next week. We are hopeful that it will be successful and in a few months once he is recovered, they will operate on the other knee. We ask for prayers for his safe surgery and speedy recovery. This year's Thanksgiving will be courtesy of Fresh Market. I know how much Eric enjoys all of the Thanksgiving goodies, and I'm hoping he will have his appetite back quicker than I did.
We are very excited and looking forward to celebrating our 1st Thanksgiving & Christmas in our new home! I cannot wait to set up the Christmas Tree and train that runs around it and watch Jeremy open up his presents from Santa. We are looking forward to starting some of our own family traditions. One tradition that I am looking forward to (and I'm sure Eric is too) is not participating in Thanksgiving evening/Black Friday madness. Each year I have been there with the best of them, but we are trying, as a family, to take everything in and just really enjoy each other.
Until next time,
~ Shannon
I know it's been awhile since I have posted on here. I guess I just found it difficult to put into words all the different feelings that I have been having lately. So, here's what's been going on!
We had a great Halloween in our new neighborhood. It's known as the hottest place in town and we were ready! With over 500 pieces of chocolate, we were prepared for the masses! We carved the pumpkins and made Halloween cookies for the neighbors. We love our neighbors!! I can't say enough good things about them! It's like having 2 sets of parents/grandparents for Jeremy!! And the best part is that they don't call the cops on us when the dogs get out. Although, they really don't get out anymore, but I'm sure if they did, they would let us know and return them.
Jeremy was the Cookie Monster for Halloween. This costume is so special to me because my Mom made it nearly 40 years ago. All 3 of my sisters and myself have worn it as well as my neice, Madilyn. Jeremy actually wore it last year too, but sadly, he caught the Swine Flu the day before so he was quarantined in the house. I was worried that it might not fit, but it did and he loved it! We had a hard time keeping the top part on, but we were able to bribe Jeremy for a few pictures.
Before we went Trick-Or-Treating, we spent the day at Busch Gardens for Hallow-Scream! It wasn't scary during the daytime and Jeremy really enjoyed being able to ride all the rides one last time before the season closed. He even got to meet Cookie Monster himself!
After Halloween, we taught Jeremy about All Saints Day and how it's a very special day that we get to remember his Sissy, Savannah. We also took the time to remember each of his great-grandparents who live in Heaven, as well as some of our fish who didn't survive the move. I'm fairly certain he has a good understanding.
Last week, I underwent surgery to try to repair my "reproductive organs" in the hopes of having successful pregnancies in the future. I had 6 different procedures done and according to Eric, everything went very well. In fact, they showed him pictures and handed him a video, which in turn, made him toss his cookies. I have no interest in seeing such things but I am interested in listening to the commentary during the surgery. We'll see if I can build up the stomach for that!
As I am recovering and getting back on my feet, we are preparing for Eric to have knee surgery next week. We are hopeful that it will be successful and in a few months once he is recovered, they will operate on the other knee. We ask for prayers for his safe surgery and speedy recovery. This year's Thanksgiving will be courtesy of Fresh Market. I know how much Eric enjoys all of the Thanksgiving goodies, and I'm hoping he will have his appetite back quicker than I did.
We are very excited and looking forward to celebrating our 1st Thanksgiving & Christmas in our new home! I cannot wait to set up the Christmas Tree and train that runs around it and watch Jeremy open up his presents from Santa. We are looking forward to starting some of our own family traditions. One tradition that I am looking forward to (and I'm sure Eric is too) is not participating in Thanksgiving evening/Black Friday madness. Each year I have been there with the best of them, but we are trying, as a family, to take everything in and just really enjoy each other.
Until next time,
~ Shannon
Saturday, October 16, 2010
October 15th 2010
Today we celebrated Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. It shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone on my Facebook Page because I have been talking about it for over a week now. Sometimes its frustrating because most people know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day doesn’t get a lot of attention. I would have never known about it either if we hadn’t lost Savannah, and I’m sure most of my Baby Loss Mommy friends would say the same.
We spent the day visit with Eric’s Grandmother. She is such a sweet lady who has lived a life of culture and experiences. She was the 1st woman Mayor of the town of Des Peres, a suburb outside of St. Louis. She was a proud Navy wife as well as Surgeon’s wife. She was very active in local and national politics, even later in life. She was a phenomenal artist and we are so proud to display some of her pieces in our home. Sadly, now, she lives in a nursing home and suffers from dementia.
She was excited to see us, but mostly Jeremy, whose smile can brighten any room he enters. We visited and then had a nice dinner with some other extended family. When we got back to the hotel, we lit Savannah’s candle and spent an hour reflecting, talking, and sharing stories. It is amazing to think of how many lives she has touched, how many hearts she has warmed, and how much love she has brought to our family. Today was no different because we honor her and remember her every day, but today we also remembered all of the other babies who left this Earth too soon, including Savannah’s 3 brothers and sisters. It’s hard for me to say it out loud. I have been pregnant 5 times but I have one baby. It’s easy to lose faith that we will ever have another, but we have faith in God and know that whatever he wants for us, we will take.
To anyone reading this who has lost a baby too soon, we remember your baby as well and our candle lit bright for each and every baby. We hope that this wave of light across the world brings awareness, hope, and love to each of the families left behind. We hope that today was a day of peace and that as you remember your baby, you realize that whatever the circumstances, you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. May each baby rest in eternal peace and watch over you and keep you safe.
We spent the day visit with Eric’s Grandmother. She is such a sweet lady who has lived a life of culture and experiences. She was the 1st woman Mayor of the town of Des Peres, a suburb outside of St. Louis. She was a proud Navy wife as well as Surgeon’s wife. She was very active in local and national politics, even later in life. She was a phenomenal artist and we are so proud to display some of her pieces in our home. Sadly, now, she lives in a nursing home and suffers from dementia.
She was excited to see us, but mostly Jeremy, whose smile can brighten any room he enters. We visited and then had a nice dinner with some other extended family. When we got back to the hotel, we lit Savannah’s candle and spent an hour reflecting, talking, and sharing stories. It is amazing to think of how many lives she has touched, how many hearts she has warmed, and how much love she has brought to our family. Today was no different because we honor her and remember her every day, but today we also remembered all of the other babies who left this Earth too soon, including Savannah’s 3 brothers and sisters. It’s hard for me to say it out loud. I have been pregnant 5 times but I have one baby. It’s easy to lose faith that we will ever have another, but we have faith in God and know that whatever he wants for us, we will take.
To anyone reading this who has lost a baby too soon, we remember your baby as well and our candle lit bright for each and every baby. We hope that this wave of light across the world brings awareness, hope, and love to each of the families left behind. We hope that today was a day of peace and that as you remember your baby, you realize that whatever the circumstances, you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. May each baby rest in eternal peace and watch over you and keep you safe.
Pig Races, Krispy Crème Hamburgers, and Danny Gokey. Oh MY!
On Thursday, we traveled to Raleigh to see Danny Gokey in concert. I was super excited to see the live performance of an artist whose music really helped me get in touch with my deep dark feelings of grief over the loss of Savannah. I thought since he only had one album that he would only be playing 4 or 5 songs. We arrived at the North Carolina State Fair and it was unlike anything I have ever experienced. I have been to a fair before but nothing like this! It was almost overwhelming. They had all of the fair favorites ~ funnel cakes, corn dogs, corn on the cob, and fresh (I think) lemonade. I was shocked at the lack of healthy choices and felt like my arteries were clogging up just by being around so much fried food. Who knew that you could fry candy bars, ho-hos, and twinkies? I think I remember hearing about it once, but I didn’t think it was actually true. Well, today as we were walking, I saw a sign for “Krispy Crème Cheeseburgers.” I thought I must be reading the sign wrong. I wasn’t. Check out what this looks like (note ~ I did NOT eat one, but I found the concept intriguing enough to take a picture).
We walked around and I noticed that every food choice was available from a different vendor about every 20 feet so if you missed one funnel cake trailer, there was another one selling the exact same thing in about a 60 second walk. I have never seen anything like this! We came across a pig race. I also have heard about these but never saw one live nor did I think they were actually done in like a side-show fashion. The pigs were cute, then the goats, and then some ducks. Now I can say that I have attended a pig race. It’s always good to be cultured, right?
Finally, it was time to get into the concert and get in line for the Meet & Greets. We found our seats and I headed off, leaving Eric and Jeremy behind. I was surprised at how many people were there, how large the stadium was, and how many people were really crazy about meeting Danny Gokey. I had no idea he was so popular. We walked back down below the stage, around and around, past his dressing room and into a large room with mirrors on one side. I was somewhere in the middle of the line. Finally, Danny came into the room and began taking pictures and signing autographs. While I was waiting, I was behind a great group of older ladies (probably around my mom’s age) and they all had matching T-shirts on that supported Danny’s Charity. The lady behind me was chatting about where I was from and when I told her Virginia, she said that the ladies in front of me were from Texas. I asked if they were in town for something else and they informed me that they only traveled to attend Danny’s concert and that they had been to the last 25 concerts he had. I was shocked! That is some dedication. I asked the ladies if I was correct in thinking Danny would only be doing 4 or 5 songs because I knew with a concert starting at 7:30pm and Jeremy’s usual bedtime being 8pm, our time before meltdown city was limited. She said that when he opened for Tim (McGraw) that he did 4 or 5 songs but since he was headlining, he did a whole 14 song set! Oops, I guess I misspoke! And who knew that the North Carolina State Fair was considered “headlining?”
It was a great concert and Eric and Jeremy lasted for 5 songs and I wanted to stay until I heard the song that meant the most to me, “I Will Not Say Goodbye.” I was worried when he started singing songs that weren’t on his CD but from his American Idol Days. Since that song is his current single, I was worried he might do that one last. Luckily, it was the next song. YAY! I was very moved that he dedicated it to anyone present who had lost someone special and to all of the military men & women serving our country. It was very sweet and I cried through much of it, but sometimes, that’s what you need to do right at that moment.
And somehow, that’s exactly what I needed. With today being October 14th and tomorrow being October 15th ~ National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, it was so meaningful. Since I am away and won’t be doing radio interviews this year, like I did last year, I am looking forward to a peaceful day reflecting on what was and what is, not on what should have been. I will never be able to change what happened that day, even though I would give my life in a second to switch places with her. I accept Savannah for who she is, where she lives, and what she means to my family. We love her with all of our hearts and will always keep her alive within us. Her treasures are still here to share and we will keep sharing them until we are together again.
I read a quote today that said there are 2 things as parents we should bequest our children: one is roots and the other is wings. Savannah has both, so I guess as parents, we have done our job. But then again, a parent’s job is never really over, is it?
We walked around and I noticed that every food choice was available from a different vendor about every 20 feet so if you missed one funnel cake trailer, there was another one selling the exact same thing in about a 60 second walk. I have never seen anything like this! We came across a pig race. I also have heard about these but never saw one live nor did I think they were actually done in like a side-show fashion. The pigs were cute, then the goats, and then some ducks. Now I can say that I have attended a pig race. It’s always good to be cultured, right?
Finally, it was time to get into the concert and get in line for the Meet & Greets. We found our seats and I headed off, leaving Eric and Jeremy behind. I was surprised at how many people were there, how large the stadium was, and how many people were really crazy about meeting Danny Gokey. I had no idea he was so popular. We walked back down below the stage, around and around, past his dressing room and into a large room with mirrors on one side. I was somewhere in the middle of the line. Finally, Danny came into the room and began taking pictures and signing autographs. While I was waiting, I was behind a great group of older ladies (probably around my mom’s age) and they all had matching T-shirts on that supported Danny’s Charity. The lady behind me was chatting about where I was from and when I told her Virginia, she said that the ladies in front of me were from Texas. I asked if they were in town for something else and they informed me that they only traveled to attend Danny’s concert and that they had been to the last 25 concerts he had. I was shocked! That is some dedication. I asked the ladies if I was correct in thinking Danny would only be doing 4 or 5 songs because I knew with a concert starting at 7:30pm and Jeremy’s usual bedtime being 8pm, our time before meltdown city was limited. She said that when he opened for Tim (McGraw) that he did 4 or 5 songs but since he was headlining, he did a whole 14 song set! Oops, I guess I misspoke! And who knew that the North Carolina State Fair was considered “headlining?”
It was a great concert and Eric and Jeremy lasted for 5 songs and I wanted to stay until I heard the song that meant the most to me, “I Will Not Say Goodbye.” I was worried when he started singing songs that weren’t on his CD but from his American Idol Days. Since that song is his current single, I was worried he might do that one last. Luckily, it was the next song. YAY! I was very moved that he dedicated it to anyone present who had lost someone special and to all of the military men & women serving our country. It was very sweet and I cried through much of it, but sometimes, that’s what you need to do right at that moment.
And somehow, that’s exactly what I needed. With today being October 14th and tomorrow being October 15th ~ National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, it was so meaningful. Since I am away and won’t be doing radio interviews this year, like I did last year, I am looking forward to a peaceful day reflecting on what was and what is, not on what should have been. I will never be able to change what happened that day, even though I would give my life in a second to switch places with her. I accept Savannah for who she is, where she lives, and what she means to my family. We love her with all of our hearts and will always keep her alive within us. Her treasures are still here to share and we will keep sharing them until we are together again.
I read a quote today that said there are 2 things as parents we should bequest our children: one is roots and the other is wings. Savannah has both, so I guess as parents, we have done our job. But then again, a parent’s job is never really over, is it?
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Struggles as a Parent...
Hey Everyone ~ Thanks for joining me and our family for another week! As most weeks, it has been a challenge mixed with joy and accomplishment. Our Foster Daughter is continuing to make great progress and is continueing to adjust and bond with us. Jeremy is still learning to adjust but is doing better.
Today we attended a birthday party for a good family friend of ours and of Jeremy's. It was a great party at a park in Williamsburge underneath a pavillion and it was great fun despite the rain. Our Foster Daughter, as usual, like to explore and walk around as much as possible. Think about it ~ if you spent nearly 3 years in a pack and play, wouldn't you want to explore as much as possible? She played with the other children and seemed to get a little frustrated as they ran around the pavillion because her little legs just weren't quite strong enough, but she continues to make progress being in the different social settings that we have exposed her to.
One of the gifts in the "Goodie Bag" was a light up toy. I have seen these before. They have a handle and a ball at the top that lights up and swirls around in the ball on top. Anyway, the kids really enjoyed them and have been chasing them around the house. Great toy for rainy days when we can't go outside to play!
Jeremy was playing and chasing our Foster Daughter and bumped her in the forehead. Eric and I took the toy away and Eric decided to take it a step further. While Jeremy cried, Eric took the toy and broke it in front of Jeremy. I did not agree with this and felt it was uncalled for and unneccessary. Not so lovingly, I told Eric that it was wrong and something his father would have done. Boy, were those fighting words!
Instead of being angry with me, he went to Jeremy and apologized, nearly in tears. I know Eric doesn't want to be anything like his father, and we are committed to parenting with love and using each mistake as an opportunity for learning. This lesson, however, was more for the grownups. While Eric would not be happy that I am sharing this story with you, I think it provides insight into a deeper lesson that we all need to learn. Most people take the way that they were parented and incorporate the good while leaving the bad behind. Sometimes, we all have those moments, where we act or speak just as we swore would never do. I'm sure my husband can provide many examples where I speak or act just like my mother, and to me, that's not always such a bad thing. I am proud of the way I was raised and appreciate my parents so much more now that I am a parent.
It's easy to focus on the flaws of others, especially our parents. It is entirely different to have a quality that you find so unfavorable of your parents pointed out to you as you make a mistake. There are lots of things that Eric and I wish to do differently. We take being parents very seriously and are very involved in our children's lives and upbringing. There are many MANY instances of things that have happened to us that would NEVER happen to our children because of our parenting and because of who we are raising our children to be. We are not perfect, but we certainly wish to instill the values and morals in our children that we find important to raising responsible, respectful, and productive adults. My children are a reflection of my parenting and I take that very seriously.
This week, Savannah got new flowers. I had the idea of a hanging basket that a friend of mine does for her brother's gravesite. Being a Wedding Planner, I had the idea of a flower ball that a flower girl might carry but on a larger scale. It turned out lovely and I was able to place it in the middle of Savannah's neighbors so that all of the babies can enjoy her flowers.
I will post a few pictures later ~ but props to the Floral Department at Ben Franklin in Newport News. They do the BEST work!
I think that's all for now. I wish you all much love and peace from our home to yours.
~ Shannon
Today we attended a birthday party for a good family friend of ours and of Jeremy's. It was a great party at a park in Williamsburge underneath a pavillion and it was great fun despite the rain. Our Foster Daughter, as usual, like to explore and walk around as much as possible. Think about it ~ if you spent nearly 3 years in a pack and play, wouldn't you want to explore as much as possible? She played with the other children and seemed to get a little frustrated as they ran around the pavillion because her little legs just weren't quite strong enough, but she continues to make progress being in the different social settings that we have exposed her to.
One of the gifts in the "Goodie Bag" was a light up toy. I have seen these before. They have a handle and a ball at the top that lights up and swirls around in the ball on top. Anyway, the kids really enjoyed them and have been chasing them around the house. Great toy for rainy days when we can't go outside to play!
Jeremy was playing and chasing our Foster Daughter and bumped her in the forehead. Eric and I took the toy away and Eric decided to take it a step further. While Jeremy cried, Eric took the toy and broke it in front of Jeremy. I did not agree with this and felt it was uncalled for and unneccessary. Not so lovingly, I told Eric that it was wrong and something his father would have done. Boy, were those fighting words!
Instead of being angry with me, he went to Jeremy and apologized, nearly in tears. I know Eric doesn't want to be anything like his father, and we are committed to parenting with love and using each mistake as an opportunity for learning. This lesson, however, was more for the grownups. While Eric would not be happy that I am sharing this story with you, I think it provides insight into a deeper lesson that we all need to learn. Most people take the way that they were parented and incorporate the good while leaving the bad behind. Sometimes, we all have those moments, where we act or speak just as we swore would never do. I'm sure my husband can provide many examples where I speak or act just like my mother, and to me, that's not always such a bad thing. I am proud of the way I was raised and appreciate my parents so much more now that I am a parent.
It's easy to focus on the flaws of others, especially our parents. It is entirely different to have a quality that you find so unfavorable of your parents pointed out to you as you make a mistake. There are lots of things that Eric and I wish to do differently. We take being parents very seriously and are very involved in our children's lives and upbringing. There are many MANY instances of things that have happened to us that would NEVER happen to our children because of our parenting and because of who we are raising our children to be. We are not perfect, but we certainly wish to instill the values and morals in our children that we find important to raising responsible, respectful, and productive adults. My children are a reflection of my parenting and I take that very seriously.
This week, Savannah got new flowers. I had the idea of a hanging basket that a friend of mine does for her brother's gravesite. Being a Wedding Planner, I had the idea of a flower ball that a flower girl might carry but on a larger scale. It turned out lovely and I was able to place it in the middle of Savannah's neighbors so that all of the babies can enjoy her flowers.
I will post a few pictures later ~ but props to the Floral Department at Ben Franklin in Newport News. They do the BEST work!
I think that's all for now. I wish you all much love and peace from our home to yours.
~ Shannon
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Where does being "right" really get us?
I have often wondered where does being in the right really get you at the end of the day? You can have all the facts and have all of your ducks in a row, only to point out someone else's faults or shortcomings or beliefs. Maybe you proved your point, but at what cost? What good comes out of being right?
In life, we are taught not to be "righteous." What does that even mean really? Dictionary.com defines righteous as (1) morally right or justifiable of a person or conduct (2) perfectly wonderful, fine and genuine. I could make lots of arguements about situations (I'm sure we all could) about times and situations and conflicts where we were right. Whether it was a decision by a friend that you found to be hurtful or political views or a situation involving someone else's family, there are lots of times when we only have our eyes open to our views and nothing can stray us from that strong belief. I have often been called strong-willed and opinionated and full of convictions. I always thought this was a good thing and something that defines me as a person. I have no problem telling off someone who stole my parking spot at the commissary or who cut in front of my grandmother at line at the grocery store or even the doctors at the hospital where Savannah was born.
I think we can all agree that my blame towards that doctor and the hospital is rightly so, but at the end of the day, what good comes from it? Being right about sensing something was wrong didn't prevent Savannah's death. I can't make her come back. Monday quarter-backing only does so much since we can't go back and re-do anything. The self-blame that I feel over what happened is something that I can never let go of and don't get me wrong ~ I rightfully so blame that doctor. But what good does it do? Does it put me ahead of anyone else?
Calling out a friend on a decision that she made that was hurtful to me, making her feel bad about herself and pointing out a mistake ~ really, what good did that do? How many times have I said or done something stupid and been fortunate enough to have friends and family that love me and we able to give me a pass? Why can't I do that to others? Why is it so important to be right in an argument? What did I really succeed in doing, other than making someone else whom I care about feel badly about their thoughts or words or actions?
In dealing with my grief, I cannot let the ignorant things that others say get to me and in the same respect, I should not feel free to tell them so. I need to continue to practice restraint and reflection and thinking before I speak or act. Do I really need to honk at that person who cut me off? At the end of the day, what good came from all of that nonesense? It certainly isn't something I want to teach my children and it doesn't reflect well upon me as a member of society.
I think this is a good lesson for everyone to learn ~ think before you act or speak and really reflect on all the times people gave you passes when you said or did something that you're not proud of and make sure to give those passes away freely to others. Being right does not make you a better person and at the end of the day, being righteous only makes for a close-minded person. Make sure to practice lots of unconditional love. Now that is something I want to teach my children and a personality trait I want to be known for! :)
Have a great weekend and thanks for reading!!
~ Shannon
In life, we are taught not to be "righteous." What does that even mean really? Dictionary.com defines righteous as (1) morally right or justifiable of a person or conduct (2) perfectly wonderful, fine and genuine. I could make lots of arguements about situations (I'm sure we all could) about times and situations and conflicts where we were right. Whether it was a decision by a friend that you found to be hurtful or political views or a situation involving someone else's family, there are lots of times when we only have our eyes open to our views and nothing can stray us from that strong belief. I have often been called strong-willed and opinionated and full of convictions. I always thought this was a good thing and something that defines me as a person. I have no problem telling off someone who stole my parking spot at the commissary or who cut in front of my grandmother at line at the grocery store or even the doctors at the hospital where Savannah was born.
I think we can all agree that my blame towards that doctor and the hospital is rightly so, but at the end of the day, what good comes from it? Being right about sensing something was wrong didn't prevent Savannah's death. I can't make her come back. Monday quarter-backing only does so much since we can't go back and re-do anything. The self-blame that I feel over what happened is something that I can never let go of and don't get me wrong ~ I rightfully so blame that doctor. But what good does it do? Does it put me ahead of anyone else?
Calling out a friend on a decision that she made that was hurtful to me, making her feel bad about herself and pointing out a mistake ~ really, what good did that do? How many times have I said or done something stupid and been fortunate enough to have friends and family that love me and we able to give me a pass? Why can't I do that to others? Why is it so important to be right in an argument? What did I really succeed in doing, other than making someone else whom I care about feel badly about their thoughts or words or actions?
In dealing with my grief, I cannot let the ignorant things that others say get to me and in the same respect, I should not feel free to tell them so. I need to continue to practice restraint and reflection and thinking before I speak or act. Do I really need to honk at that person who cut me off? At the end of the day, what good came from all of that nonesense? It certainly isn't something I want to teach my children and it doesn't reflect well upon me as a member of society.
I think this is a good lesson for everyone to learn ~ think before you act or speak and really reflect on all the times people gave you passes when you said or did something that you're not proud of and make sure to give those passes away freely to others. Being right does not make you a better person and at the end of the day, being righteous only makes for a close-minded person. Make sure to practice lots of unconditional love. Now that is something I want to teach my children and a personality trait I want to be known for! :)
Have a great weekend and thanks for reading!!
~ Shannon
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Back to School...
Well, here we are at the night before Jeremy's 1st Day at School. Tomorrow is "Meet You Teacher" Day and we are so excited. I have gone through all of his clothes and tried to find just the right outfit for him. He has his new backpack packed and ready to go! I will try to remember to add some pictures tomorrow so check back! I got him the cutest backpack with his first name embroidered on the front. I had to check with Eric to make sure it was OK to put his name on the label on the inside. I was warned about kids making fun of other kids for things like this, but I'm pretty sure at 3 years old, it's still OK. I don't know who is more excited for school tomorrow ~ Jeremy or ME!!
We had his 3 year well baby appointment and school physical on Friday. For the first time in a VERY long time, I was able to answer YES to every question on the developmental paperwork. If it's been awhile since you've filled one out, they ask a bunch of questions to gauge your child developmentally. One question was "Can your child say his first and last name?" You're choices are "Yes," "Sometimes," or "No." Jeremy had some trouble with his speech and the last time we filled this out, he had a few different things that I had to answer no to because we had never tried them. So this time, I was very excited to answer all yes! Actually, there was one question that I had to answer no to. It had to do with scissors. We haven't let Jeremy play with scissors yet. Call me a bad Mom if you must, but we just haven't done that yet.
Little did I know, he had managed to find some scissors and take some chunks out of his hair which was just recently cut. I walked around the corner with the laundry and caught him with scissors and quickly took them away. I figured he must have just picked them up because he looked OK to me and he said "I want a haircut." He had just had his hair cut a few days earlier so I didn't think much of it. Well, today, Eric noticed 2 different bald spots that I had apparently missed. So, I guess we can go back and check "Yes" to the scissors question after all. It's really not that noticeable unless you are looking for it, but very funny just the same. I will have to take some pictures for the Baby Book.
Here is a picture of the "real" haircut. What a ham!! Picture to come of the "alteration."
One of the questions had a drawing of a snowman but it was missing some of the facial features, an arm, and a leg. The question along side it said something like "Ask your child what this is. Appropriate answers are a snowman, man, woman, person." What did Jeremy think it was? A Monster! I hope the doctor got a little laugh out of that one.
Other than that, the most exciting news we have to share is that our foster daughter has become a walker!! After spending the weekend at Water Country, we wore her little legs out. Tuesday, while at the eye doctor getting her eyes checked and waiting during the eye dialation phase, we went out in the hallway and walked up and down. Whenever she would get back down on her knees, I would pick her back up and off she would go. I am sure it was just a matter of building her confidence. Let me tell you ~ now she is a walking fool! The eye appointment resulted in her needing to wear an eye patch rotating on both eyes. I feel so badly for her. We haven't started yet, but I think tomorrow will be a good day. I was thinking about putting one on Jeremy and myself so we can all wear them together. Now there's a photo op!
I am getting ready to send out another mass email with pictures, so if you aren't already on the list, send me an email and I will put you on the distribution list. We are so happy to share our little Love Bug with our family and friends.
We are also planning for our trip to North Carolina in October. It seems that all of the Charity Events, Community Activities, and Meetings all are planned over the dates we will be gone. Doesn't it always work out that way? Oh well. Onward and Upward!
I hope everyone has a great week ahead!
~ Shannon
We had his 3 year well baby appointment and school physical on Friday. For the first time in a VERY long time, I was able to answer YES to every question on the developmental paperwork. If it's been awhile since you've filled one out, they ask a bunch of questions to gauge your child developmentally. One question was "Can your child say his first and last name?" You're choices are "Yes," "Sometimes," or "No." Jeremy had some trouble with his speech and the last time we filled this out, he had a few different things that I had to answer no to because we had never tried them. So this time, I was very excited to answer all yes! Actually, there was one question that I had to answer no to. It had to do with scissors. We haven't let Jeremy play with scissors yet. Call me a bad Mom if you must, but we just haven't done that yet.
Little did I know, he had managed to find some scissors and take some chunks out of his hair which was just recently cut. I walked around the corner with the laundry and caught him with scissors and quickly took them away. I figured he must have just picked them up because he looked OK to me and he said "I want a haircut." He had just had his hair cut a few days earlier so I didn't think much of it. Well, today, Eric noticed 2 different bald spots that I had apparently missed. So, I guess we can go back and check "Yes" to the scissors question after all. It's really not that noticeable unless you are looking for it, but very funny just the same. I will have to take some pictures for the Baby Book.
Here is a picture of the "real" haircut. What a ham!! Picture to come of the "alteration."
One of the questions had a drawing of a snowman but it was missing some of the facial features, an arm, and a leg. The question along side it said something like "Ask your child what this is. Appropriate answers are a snowman, man, woman, person." What did Jeremy think it was? A Monster! I hope the doctor got a little laugh out of that one.
Other than that, the most exciting news we have to share is that our foster daughter has become a walker!! After spending the weekend at Water Country, we wore her little legs out. Tuesday, while at the eye doctor getting her eyes checked and waiting during the eye dialation phase, we went out in the hallway and walked up and down. Whenever she would get back down on her knees, I would pick her back up and off she would go. I am sure it was just a matter of building her confidence. Let me tell you ~ now she is a walking fool! The eye appointment resulted in her needing to wear an eye patch rotating on both eyes. I feel so badly for her. We haven't started yet, but I think tomorrow will be a good day. I was thinking about putting one on Jeremy and myself so we can all wear them together. Now there's a photo op!
I am getting ready to send out another mass email with pictures, so if you aren't already on the list, send me an email and I will put you on the distribution list. We are so happy to share our little Love Bug with our family and friends.
We are also planning for our trip to North Carolina in October. It seems that all of the Charity Events, Community Activities, and Meetings all are planned over the dates we will be gone. Doesn't it always work out that way? Oh well. Onward and Upward!
I hope everyone has a great week ahead!
~ Shannon
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