What Marriage Means to Me: Courtney | Faith Permeating Life

What an amazing story this is to read.  I cannot believe that Courtney's son Zachary and Savannah went to Heaven on the exact same day.

What Marriage Means to Me: Courtney | Faith Permeating Life

Life is so precious...

2 weeks ago, after battling kidney disease, Eric's grandmother, Jody, went to Heaven.  It was sad and we miss her dearly, but we find peace in the years of memories and knowing that she is with her husband and Savannah and is no longer in pain.  She was an amazing woman and if you would like to read about her life, here is more:


http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/stltoday/obituary.aspx?n=mary-jo-chulick-griggs-jody&pid=155945577


In recent days, I have reconnected with an old friend who is sadly, battling terminal cancer.  She is in her 30s and has 3 boys.  She is a friend that I met nearly 7 years ago while living in military housing and lives about 2 miles away from us now.  Her husband is still Active Duty Military.  I wish I could do more than reach out with prayers and support and drop off a dinner.  It just seems like its not enough, but I also want to respect and honor her wishes to spend what time she has left with her husband and boys.


It seems like death is all around me right now.  I know that it will happen to all of us at some point.  I just hate to see suffering.  I hate to think about Savannah suffering.  I know that all of our departed friends and family are in a much better place than we can even imagine.  I feel torn at times because I absolutely adore my family here, but I still miss Savannah so much.  I know with each day that passes, I am one day closer to being with her again, but I have also been given the gift of one more day here on Earth; one more chance to right my wrongs; one more day to create memories; one more opportunity to tell the people I love just how much I love them.


As I held Irelynn tonight, I told her all about her big sister, Savannah and how she helped to save her life.  Her eyes got big as she listened to me talk and when I finished, Irelynn gave me a big smile.  I think the girls know each other, somehow.


Irelynn is 2 months old today and is doing so well.  This week, she weighed 11 pounds even, which was great news.  She struggled a little at first and was in the 13-15th percentile for height and weight, but she has since jumped and is now in the nearly 50th percentile!  I can see amazing changes in her face and body.  She is chunking up so well!  Every single moment with her is such a blessing and I will never take a second for granted.  I thank Savannah every day for what she taught me ~ to cherish every moment!

Valentines Day Reflections...

Today is Valentine's Day.  While for most, it is a day filled with chocolates and love notes, it has a far different meaning for me.  2 years ago today, I hit my lowest point as a person.  It was 9 months after losing Savannah, 9 months following what was my due date when she was still very much alive.  It was 9 months after going through something that no one should ever have to experience - the death of a baby.  Not only had I lost Savannah at 40 weeks and 3 days, but I had also experienced 2 miscarriages back to back.

At the time, I was very depressed and broken.  I felt that I had no purpose left and at times, felt that Eric and Jeremy would be better off.  I struggled to take care of myself and really just wanted to be with my daughter, Savannah.  It was a dark time, but one that I am thankful for.  Had I not gone through that, I would have never been able to get to where I am today.  And now, I am beginning to further understand my purpose as well as Savannah's.

Today, Irelynn is 6 weeks old.  It was exactly 6 weeks ago that my beautiful little girl's life was saved thanks to the education and wisdom I learned from Savannah.  It is also due to the team of experts that I surrounded myself with.  Dr. Collins of the Pregnancy Institute out of Baton Rouge, the Star Legacy Foundation, which I am honored and humbled to be a part of, spreading the wisdom and education they shared with me, and most importantly, Dr. Shwayder, my OB here in Virginia.  He never gave up on me and made keeping me and my baby safe a top priority.  I owe him everything.  While he was NOT involved in anything that happened with Savannah, he made sure he learned lessons from what happened and was just as determined as I was to make sure it didn't happen again.  While there are no guarantees in life, and everyone who is pregnant is not guaranteed a baby, he was just about as close as you could come.  I can say thank you a million times over to him and it would never be enough.  The same goes for Dr. Collins.

This year, as we celebrate Irelynn and Jeremy and our entire family, we look back at where we were as a family and where I was just 2 years ago.  Little did I know on that dark day what was to come,  It was only 2 weeks later that we found this beautiful house, which provided a fresh start for us.  And here I am, holding my gorgeous daughter as I type.  It's always important to remember that when you are at your darkest of times, there is always hope.  I hope that anyone reading this who is currently in a dark place can find hope in their future.  The most important thing that I realized is that my job here on Earth is not done, even though Savannah's was.  She continues to speak through me and I continue to share her story and her life with others.  While I wish more than anything that she was here with us, I can't think of a better place for her to be.

Dear Savannah,

I love you so much, my sweet girl.  We are so proud of you for everything you have done in your short life and everything you continue to do.  You have taught us and countless others many valuable lessons and no matter what, you will NEVER be forgotten!  While I can't wait to see you and hold you in my arms again, I know that I have more work to do here on Earth.  Thank you for being such a wonderful daughter and helping me and our family through our dark days.  Thank you for strengthening my faith in God and helping everyone who knows your name to be a better person.

Love, Mommy

Baptism Gown Signifigance

The one leap of faith I took while pregnant with Irelynn was to have her Baptism Gown handmade from my wedding dress.  This was something I planned to do with Savannah, but instead, my Mom had saved my Baptismal Gown and we chose to bury her in that instead.  While I had hoped to pass on my Baptismal Gown, there was nothing else I could think of to bury Savannah in.  So, with Irelynn growing well and things seemingly going well, I contacted a local seamstress to discuss the project.

To my surprise, this lady was so compassionate.  It turns out she had lost her own son at the age of 3, so she was very understanding as to my anxiety but willingness to make this leap of faith.  She did an AMAZING job and it's something that I hope another baby girl can wear someday.  There is also enough left over to hopefully make a 1st Communion Dress one day!

I also had my wedding handkerchief that was wrapped around my Wedding Bouquet made into her Baptismal Bonnet.  And the blanket I held her with was Jeremy's Baptismal Blanket.  It was a beautiful joyous day, one that we weren't sure would ever happen, but it did and was such a blessing!  It was a LOT of dress for such a little girl, but you only get Baptized once, right?  God has blessed our family more than we could have ever imagined!

Irelynn is welcomed into God's Family!

Today, February 11, 2012, Irelynn was Baptized.  It was a beautiful Saturday morning ceremony followed by a lovely brunch.  Today, interestingly, is the Feast Day of Lourdes.  This is interesting for a few reasons.  My parents traveled to Lourdes, and my Mom prayed for me and our baby.  She brought back some water and while she was here over Christmas, she prayed over my belly and asked me to drink it, which I did.  It was a very emotional experience and little did I know how much the value of prayer and faith would play just a few days later.  So, how appropriate that Irelynn was Baptized on such a special day!  It was a day we weren't sure we would ever get to experience.

We were also blessed enough to have Father John David Ramsey Baptize her.  He is very special to our family for a few reasons.  As a seminarian, he gave his first homily at the Mass where Jeremy celebrated his Baptismal Rite of Presentation.  Jeremy was Baptized in the hospital as a baby when he was readmitted and facing surgery for suspected Hirshbrung's Disease, which he was later cleared of.  Ironically, the hospital chaplain was Father Dowd.  My maiden name is O'Dowd.  Coincidence?

Later, as a Deacon, John David assisted and participated in Savannah's funeral.  It meant a lot to us that he was so willing to be involved again.  He also comforted us after our 1st miscarriage following her funeral and has become a good friend.  He was since ordained and transferred to a neighboring parish.  We were thrilled that he was willing to Baptize Irelynn and it meant the world to us that things were able to come full circle.

After the Baptism, we gathered with friends and family for a celebratory brunch.  It was a wonderful day and although we were very tired, it was full of memories. 

May God Bless Irelynn, today and forever!  She is such a blessing to so many people and most importantly, has provided all of us with hope and faith.  She is a true miracle and blessing and was well worth all the pain and heartache.  I know that Savannah is smiling down upon her.

Sharing Savannah's Life...

For the 3rd year in a row, I was asked to speak on the Parent Panel for the training seminar "When A Baby Dies."  Last week, over 100 people (nurses, chaplains, social workers) all got to hear about Savannah and learn the lessons that I wished Langley had learned.  Every time I have told her story, someone comes up and asks me if my doctor ever apologized to me for what happened and sadly, I have to tell that person no.  Everyone feels badly for the way I was treated, but more importantly, I think people need to hear what happened so if they are in that situation, they can do better and learn from the mistakes and failures of Langley.  This time, my Mom was in town and able to hear me speak and took a few pictures.

It's something that I'm happy to talk about because while sharing Savannah's life, I am hopefully helping to ensure that no one else has to experience what I went through after losing my daughter.  While I realize no one knows the "right" thing to say, there is a long list of things that while well-meaninged, are very hurtful.  The speech was a success and more and more people have let Savannah into their hearts.

Afterwards, my Mom and I headed to the Olive Garden for lunch and a much needed drink.

And here is my "Mommy of the Year" picture!

In case you are wondering or going to be visiting the Olive Garden in the near future, the drink special is called Toasted Marshmellow Amore and is the closest thing to a grown up alcoholic chocolate milk.  It's so yummy I found the recipe and have been making them at home.

Welcome to the World, Irelynn!

I wanted to share with you Irelynn's Birth Announcement.  It was so much fun for me to put together!

Here is the front cover:

This is the inside top of the card:

This is the inside bottom of the card:

And the back of the card:

We called Irelynn "Baby Bunny" and if you ask Jeremy today what the baby's name is, he will tell you "Baby Bunny" and Irelynn is her nickname.  I hope she finds this to be a cute nickname when she is a teenager!

All of these photos were taken when Irelynn was 2-3 weeks old.  Here is a more recent picture (taken at 7 weeks) of our Baby Bunny:

How to Hide a Pregnancy

Probably the most asked question is how on earth did I hide a pregnancy?

First, I'd like to address the why.

After losing Savannah, we were devastated.  I was able to get pregnant 6 months later in November 2009.  We were so happy and told just about everyone.  We had no reason not to!  After all, my issues seemed to be at the end of pregnancy.  I had never had a miscarriage before so I'm sure you can imagine our devastation when just 6 weeks into that pregnancy, I miscarried.  I felt totally defeated.  We vowed never again to share the news until after we had another live birth.  And we didn't.  There were times when I disclosed that we had experienced another loss after it happened casually, but to be honest, each subsequent time I got pregnant, I expected to miscarry again.  And I did.  3 more times.  This just solidified our decision to keep it private.  It seemed the only way to protect ourselves and our family.  We didn't want any one's pity.  We just wanted to be able to one day celebrate the arrival of a new baby.

I don't want anyone, especially Irelynn, to ever think that we didn't want her or want to celebrate her coming.  We did, it was just very difficult for us to talk about it with anyone else.  I eventually decided to do some pregnancy photos and I'm really glad that I did.

Baby showers became very difficult for me to attend so eventually, I just stopped all together.  For a time, I became bitter and jealous of people who became pregnant without trying or who had the audacity to complain about their pregnancy.  It was so hurtful to me each time a new friend would joyously announce a new pregnancy.  Some friends of mine have had multiple children in the time since I lost Savannah.  It's not their fault that they are fertile but it was still a constant reminder of something that I couldn't control and a blessing that wasn't being bestowed upon us.

As the weeks of my pregnancy went by, we just kept things private.  I did everything I could to blend in and not attract attention to myself.  I wore baggy shirts and wore almost nothing that was maternity.  I remember looking at other women who were about the same point as me and they had on all these dresses and tops that just screamed "I'm PREGNANT!"  It was just extra attention that I didn't want or need.

Luckily, most people didn't question it.  I was careful in how I posed in pictures and thankful that in all the weight I put on, I didn't put it on in my face, which would have been a total giveaway.  I wore regular clothes as long as I could, long shirts and sweaters, and wore lots of accessories to attract attention away from my belly.  I tried to find the most obnoxious necklaces thinking more towards the end that no one will look at my belly when I have this hideous necklace on.  Eric says I was in denial, but it became easier to think I was successfully hiding it.  If you look back at my Facebook pictures, either people were in front of me or they were shots of my chest up.

There were a few people who cornered me and I was shocked that they didn't at first believe me when I said I wasn't pregnant.  It was like somehow they knew.  I had some carefully crafted responses.

1.  We don't have any news to share but we are hopeful that we will soon.
2.  I can't believe how much weight I'm putting on.  It must be those darn fertility meds.
3.  Because of what happened with Savannah, we are choosing to keep things private, but we'll let you know when we have good news to share.

I got better at answering questions for those who did ask me.  Most had good intentions but in my thinking, if someone is pregnant and not talking about it, there is probably a good reason why.  Part of my work in the baby loss community has brought some amazing people into my life.  The downside is that I personally know people who have lost their babies at every point throughout a pregnancy so I know first hand, that no one is ever safe.  There is no safe point, such as after the 1st trimester because I know lots of 2nd trimester loss moms.  Michelle Duggar is a perfect example of this.  While I don't want to scare anyone reading this who is pregnant, is a sad reality that I and others have painfully experienced.

Just to throw off anyone who may have been suspicious, we sent out the greatest Christmas Card that was all pictures of Jeremy.  There were a few of all 3 of us, and the funny thing is that I was pregnant in each of those.  But no one said a word about it.

I did choose a few close friends to share the pregnancy with, like a very small handful.  I kept it on a need-to-know basis.  The biggest reason was that I didn't want to deal with all the questions.  When are you due?  Do you know what you're having?  Do you have names picked out?  Are you having a baby shower?  And on and on and on.  All of these are well-meaninged questions but it was just questions I was not ready to deal with or answer.  So the less people that knew, the less I had to deal with, and thankfully, those few people who did know didn't ask me about it.

There are a few things we could have done differently/better.  First was Jeremy.  Of course, we told him about the baby.  He had some issues differentiating between the new baby and Savannah.  We told him not to tell anyone.  When school started, apparently, he opened up about it a lot.  He came home and told us his teacher was questioning him about it.  We had told him if anyone asked him anything about the baby to say "I don't want to talk about that."  And we practiced all the different ways someone might ask him.  It caused a few issues and we ended up addressing it with his teacher.  Everything worked out, but it was clear that Jeremy needed a safe place to talk about Savannah.  We put him in a Kids N Grief support group which he absolutely loves.  It's a place where kids his age all lost someone very special and he is encouraged to talk about it and share his feelings through play.

We also couldn't chose a name.  It was just too emotionally hard and raw because I knew that it could end at any point.  We tried several times but ended up with a list of about 10.  We decided to wait until the baby was born.  In order to help Jeremy, we needed to find something to call this baby so he could understand that it wasn't Savannah.  Very easily, the name Baby Bunny came to me.  Not only is it a super cute name, but Bunny (Bernadette) is the name of my Godmother, an amazing woman who lost her battle with Alzheimer's Disease a few years ago.  She was in her late 40s when she was diagnosed.  Most importantly, she was someone who was very special to me and I have faith is helping to watch over Savannah for me.  If you have other children, I would recommend finding a special nickname as early as you can.

Towards the middle/end, when I had to attend meetings, I used a binder or large bag in front of my stomach.  I just tried my best not to attract attention.  I avoided places like Target and Walmart where the probability of running into someone I knew was high.  I tried to shop at the Commissary on off-hours, like right before they closed.  My life basically consisted of taking Jeremy to preschool and going to doctors appointments.  I did the best I could and hoped that if people did suspect, they wouldn't ask.

For my family, it was pretty easy.  All of my family lives out of state and we don't see each other very often.  I did see some extended family over the summer, but I wasn't showing and thankfully, no one questioned why I wasn't drinking.  Although, I thought that would have been a dead giveaway!  Shannon without a drink in her hand?  Something MUST be up!  But then again, we had been trying every month for 18 months and of course I always stopped drinking just in case.  Although if you are out with friends drinking, it was easy enough to ask for a ginger ale in a cocktail glass with a lime.

I felt like I had the clothes situation really well thought out and was prepared since I was going to get bigger in October/November/December which should have been cold weather months.  Would would have thought that it would still be 65 and 70 degrees in November and December?  Not cool and not helpful to my plan.  I did the best I could and hoped no one would notice.  This is mostly where a lot of denial came into place I think.

Anyway, this is not the right decision for everyone.  I wish it hadn't been for me but the days of being joyful and excited about seeing those two lines on a pregnancy test are over.  We waited so long to have a successful pregnancy and I thought getting to that point was our biggest challenge.  I was wrong.  It became a week by week battle against my thoughts, worries, and fears.  Then having a safe delivery became my biggest fear.  You know what's funny?  Now that Irelynn is here, it hasn't stopped.  I invested in a monitor that clips on to her diaper and sounds an alarm if she doesn't breathe or have belly movement after 18 seconds.  Will it help prevent SIDS?  Maybe or maybe not but it does provide us a small amount of peace of mind, especially when we are all sleeping.

Hopefully, this will help someone else out there who thinks the same way we did.  I wish that we could be excited and joyful just like every other pregnant women but it's just not our reality anymore.  As sad as that it, we have accepted it.  Looking back, there really was no need to tell anyone anyway because we were worried enough for everyone.

When Irelynn was born, we sent out an email to family and friends letting them know first that she had arrived and why we chose to keep it private and not disclose it.  Everyone so far has been understanding and supportive and I'm sure if you asked them, they are probably relieved that they didn't know.  I know some people suspected and we are so thankful for their prayers for us and our baby.  It meant the world to us!  Later, once we were home from the hospital, we announced it on Facebook.  We didn't want anyone in our families to have their feelings hurt because they found out via Facebook that we had had a baby.

Still to this day, when I see people announce their pregnancy on Facebook at 4 weeks, I shake my head.  On one hand, I'm glad they don't have to live with the fear that we do.  On the other hand, I am worried for them because I know that so many things can go wrong, especially that early.  For us, we have learned the pregnancy is such an amazing gift and we were grateful for each and every day because it can end at any point.  In fact, I prayed to God and thanked him for the baby growing within me and I prayed that he would grant us one more day.  Every day I prayed this prayer.  And each day I was still pregnant and felt her move inside me was an amazing gift from God.  I never complained, never took anything for granted, and tried my best to try to live in the present and not the past.  Much easier said than done for sure!

The other downside is the lack of support.  Fortunately, I found some great support online.  There are some great support groups called Subsequent Pregnancy After Loss (SPALS) and several on Facebook, although I was the only one who hid my pregnancy.  I was also contacted by a documentary who was interested in my story.  As tempting as that was and how passionate I am about helping others, I was scared.  What if we didn't have a happy ending like on those shows?

Also, don't waste your time looking on youtube for videos on how to hide your pregnancy.  There aren't any except if you are a teenager and trying to hide it from your parents.  LOL!
So, feel free to email me if you have any other questions and I hope that none of you find yourself in my situation.  It was the right choice for us, but it's not right for everyone.

Savannah is a big sister!

I have been keeping a HUGE secret from everyone (including friends and family).  We found out on May 22nd after celebrating mass in honor of Savannah that I was expecting another baby.  This was such a huge miracle but we knew to be cautiously optomistic.  I have been pregnant a total of 4 other times since Savannah and we underwent fertility treatments to conceive this time.  Every day and every week that went by, we got more and more reassuring news and finally, 961 days after delivering Savannah Grace, we welcomed Irelynn Elizabeth into this world safely.  When I heard her cry, it was totally surreal and a sound Eric and I thought we might never hear again.

Irelynn was born on Tuesday, January 3rd at 11:08am.  She weighed 7 pounds and 8 ounces (a great combo of numbers since Eric's lucky number is 7 and mine is 8).  Also, Irelynn was born on 1/3.  Jeremy was born on 8/3.  There is always something crazy with numbers.  She was 19 1/2 inches and was born amist some drama via emergency c-section, but most importantly, she was born ALIVE.

It's so funny how things happened.  Towards the end, things got very dicey and I am so grateful that I had a doctor who listened to me and took me seriously, which enevitably led to saving her life.  Irelynn was dangerously close to suffering the same fate as Savannah.  If it weren't for Savannah, I wouldn't be so educated on stillbirth, cord accidents, fetal monitoring, or fetal distress movements.  Savannah helped save her sister's life.  She served another amazing purpose with her brief life and I know she is smiling down upon Irelynn, and happy to finally be a big sister!

It's crazy to see how Jeremy, Savannah, and Irelynn all look exactly alike.  In fact, in the first few days being home from the hospital, both Eric and I had to stop ourselves from calling her Savannah.  We miss her so much and wish that she was here to enjoy her new sister.  It has been bittersweet to say the least, but we love Irelynn for being Irelynn, just as we loved Savannah for being Savannah.  We don't want Irelynn to ever feel like a replacement child, because there is no replacing Savannah.  Our hearts just grew wider and wider in order to embrace our new miracle.

Welcome to the World, sweet Baby Girl.  We waited sooooooo long to meet you and you were well worth the wait. 

To anyone else struggling with Infertility, don't ever give up hope and remain strong in your faith.  It is the only thing that got us through the pregnancy.  That and we have a very special little girl named Savannah who kept vigilant watch over us from her seat next to Jesus in Heaven.

2 years and 7 months...

Dear Savannah,

It has been 944 days since we lost you.  I'm not sure if it's the holidays or the Christmas Memorials we've been attending lately to remember and honor you, but there are times when my heart is just as broken today as it was that day.  I am always aware that you are not physically with us, but it seems that as we prepare for the holidays, I am even more sensitive to the fact that you are missing from all of our photos and activities that we are doing with your big brother, Jeremy.

There are times that the pain is so deep that I would give anything just to be with you.  I know you are safe and well taken care of by those who took care of me when I was little - my grandparents and friends who are in Heaven with you.  I know that I have more work to do here on Earth and more people to share your life and story with.  I just wish I could hold you in my arms again.  I wish I had been given the opportunity to look into your eyes or sing to you or tell you how much I love you.  I know that you know all of these things without me having to say them or even think them.

You are such a blessing from God and as much as I wish we were together, I find comfort and peace knowing you are in Heaven and well taken care of.  I think sometimes people look at me and think that it's been 2 1/2 years and I should have moved on by now, but I will never move on.  How could I?  You are my precious daughter who was conceived from love and woven together by God.  Your Dad and I are working hard on dealing with our grief, but I feel that it will be with us for the rest of our lives.

We have done our best to continue with our lives without you here, even though we know you ARE with us.  Your big brother is doing so well.  He attends a grief group for kids and loves to talk about his Sissy.  He loves you so much and remembers you in prayer each night before bed.  He talks to you regularly and likes to share his accomplishments with you.  I'm sure later he will also share his frustrations with his parent with you, but I know if you were here, you two would likely be teaming up against us.  And we would savor every minute of it!

Our entire family misses you dearly, every second of every minute of every day.  Your life's purpose is becoming more clear to me now and we are so proud of you for changing the lives of so many.  Most importantly, you have changed the lives of your Dad and I and your big brother.  It was hard to find the purpose through all the pain, and it still is sometimes.

We love you so very much and we remember you now and always.

Keep dancing among the Angels.

I love you so much,
Mommy