Someone asked me today about the sign on my truck. I tried to be brief and not give a lot of detail, which, unknowingly, always leads to more questions. I never mind talking about Savannah at all. In fact, most of the time, I am happy to do so. Sharing her life is another way of sharing her with the world. After all, what good does it do anyone to just go on with my life and pretend that she never existed? What kind of mother would that make me?
Anyway, as the questions got more invasive and I explained more about what happend, I felt all the anger coming back. I have worked so hard to get to where I am today, accepting Savannah for who she is. I often hear the comment, "I just can't even imagine."
Well, allow me to explain it to you. Pretend that you are in a wonderful marriage and have a beautiful little boy and now you are expecting a little girl, which is secretly what you always hoped for. You go shopping and pick out the most amazing outfits and dresses from Strasburg and all sorts of online boutiques. You decorate the nursery exactly the way you had been envisioning in your mind since you were a little girl. Everything is going fine until you hear the words Down Syndrome. But, you know that you will love your little girl unconditionally and will do your best to be her Advocate for life. You know that the career of being a ballerina will not be possible but you focus on the postives and continue to anxiously await the arrival of your precious miracle. The nursery is ready, just as you pictured. The crib is ready. The carseat is in the backseat, approved installation by the local fire department. You have your bags packed with the most adorable outfits for the hospital possible with at least 40 bows packed and at least 3 pairs of shoes for each day spent there. She is your child, after all. There is a sign that you ordered to hang outside your front door that says "We welcome with joy and love Savannah Grace Renfro" and cannot wait to display it so that all of your neighbors who have been watching you waddle back and forth each day to the mailbox can stop asking you when the baby is coming. You have the Baptism scheduled for 3 weeks later and a Baptismal Gown that you yourself wore already pressed and waiting.
You think to yourself that even if your daughter has Down Syndrome, your biggest concern is how the older people at Church will look at her and wonder if she will be judged as she grows. Seriously, that is your biggest concern.
And then something happens. You go to the hospital and deliver a baby that is not alive. Something much bigger than your biggest nightmare has just happened. There are no answers, no explanations. You watch babies come out of the OR just having been delivered via C-section and you hear the woman in the next room laboring and the horse-thumping sound of her baby's heartbeat, who is still very much alive. And you have nothing.
You go home and look in the backseat of your car as your husband drives. You see the empty carseat, the handmade blankets you had to cover that newborn baby still folded up, unused. You return home to a nursery that is beautifully decorated but no baby to enjoy it. You look at the closet full of clothes, all still with tags on it that extend from Newborn sizes to 4T, because you learned with your son that no child stays in Newborn sizes for long. You were smarter and bought ahead so the seasons would match up. You notice the 3 long strands of ribbon that neatly hold each and every bow that you found to be just perfect for your daughter and the shoe rack that holds more shoes than any girl would ever possibly need. You see that sign that you were waiting to put up, layed out neatly on the bed that was decorated to match the nursery bedding so you could stay up late at night to nurse your daughter.
The nursery is too much to take, so you walk into the kitchen and see all of the Dr. Browns bottles neatly lined up from smallest to tallest. Maybe the kitchen wasn't such a good place to go. The garage has to be safer. There you find the cases and cases of diapers that you stocked up on because you knew exactly how long she would be in each size. It's all staring you in the face, but you have nothing.
That's how it felt. I still go back to that time and re-live every single moment of the devastation and sadness and anger. You can't imagine what it's like? There you go. Try to imagine it. It's the worst possible nightmare that can happen. And sadly, it can happen to anyone when they least expect it.
Eric and I are older, but not too old. We are both college educated and smart people. We are not low-income or low intelligence or low socio-economic class. We are Republicans after all! This isn't supposed to happen to people like us. But it did. It happens more often than you think. It happens to good people. Sometimes, life just isn't fair and there is nothing you can do about it. I'm not sharing this to scare anyone, but rather to help people understand what it's like.
Maybe one day, this won't be such a taboo topic. Maybe someday, this won't happen anymore.
All I know is that it did happen, and it happened to me. If this happens to someone that you know, perhaps you can be a better friend to them instead of saying "I just can't imagine."
Friday, July 8, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Memorial Day Weekend
6 years ago, we were married on May, 28th, 2005.
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This year, we decided to take a last minute trip to the Outer Banks. It's a common destination for anyone who lives in Hampton Roads with amazing beaches on the coast of North Carolina and only a few hours away by car. In usual Shannon format, I researched all the things to do and talked to people. I looked up lists and ratings and comments from people on all sorts of websites. Just as I did with our honeymoon, I created a schedule of activities and things to do. I made reservations and made sure we did as much as we could in our 3 day trip.
We left at 4:30AM on Saturday and made the 3 hour drive to the north end of the Outer Banks (or OBX as the locals call it). We arrived at Duck Donuts shortly before they opened at 7am. Duck Donuts is a chain found only in OBX where they actually make the donuts to order right in front of you. They were yummy!
Don't you love the Pajama top with the swimsuit bottom?
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So, next we headed up the road to a spot where you can drive on the beach for miles and miles. It was fun but a little nerve-wracking for Eric. He watched a you tube video that advises you to take the air out of your tires before driving on the beach. I was a you tube skeptic which made Eric extra nervous, but it turned out that all the other trucks had their tires aired down. Who knew?
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We did some amazing things, spent a lot of time at the beach, and really enjoyed our son, Jeremy. To be honest, it had been an emotionally draining few weeks dealing with Savannah's Birthday in Heaven, so it was nice to be away from the phone, computer, and all the reminders of our daughter who is physically missing from our family.
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It was a great trip and I think it's safe to say that we are OBX fans! The pirate adventure was a HUGE hit!
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Hope your Memorial Day Weekend was just as amazing as ours! Thanks to all of the Military men & women across the world who work so hard to keep us safe each and every day. I am so proud of my husband and the job that he does!
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Until next time,
Shannon
This year, we decided to take a last minute trip to the Outer Banks. It's a common destination for anyone who lives in Hampton Roads with amazing beaches on the coast of North Carolina and only a few hours away by car. In usual Shannon format, I researched all the things to do and talked to people. I looked up lists and ratings and comments from people on all sorts of websites. Just as I did with our honeymoon, I created a schedule of activities and things to do. I made reservations and made sure we did as much as we could in our 3 day trip.
We left at 4:30AM on Saturday and made the 3 hour drive to the north end of the Outer Banks (or OBX as the locals call it). We arrived at Duck Donuts shortly before they opened at 7am. Duck Donuts is a chain found only in OBX where they actually make the donuts to order right in front of you. They were yummy!
Don't you love the Pajama top with the swimsuit bottom?
We did some amazing things, spent a lot of time at the beach, and really enjoyed our son, Jeremy. To be honest, it had been an emotionally draining few weeks dealing with Savannah's Birthday in Heaven, so it was nice to be away from the phone, computer, and all the reminders of our daughter who is physically missing from our family.
It was a great trip and I think it's safe to say that we are OBX fans! The pirate adventure was a HUGE hit!
Hope your Memorial Day Weekend was just as amazing as ours! Thanks to all of the Military men & women across the world who work so hard to keep us safe each and every day. I am so proud of my husband and the job that he does!
Until next time,
Shannon
Reflections of the Casey Anthony case
I’ll admit it ~ I am a court TV junkie. I have watched the David Westerfield case, mostly because it happened in San Diego while I lived there. While pregnant with Jeremy, I watched the Anna Nicole Smith hearings about who would make decisions regarding her burial and paternity testing of her daughter. Recently, I have been watching the Casey Anthony trial. I remember watching all of the news coverage on it and just being heartbroken when they found her remains. It was horrific and I still get sad when I think of all of the potential that little girl had in front of her before having her life taking from her.
Today in particular, things struck a huge cord with me. Casey’s father, George Anthony was being grilled about an attempted suicide attempt. I listened to comments from commentators and others who thought that was fake. I know for a fact it was not fake. I have been there myself. I have lost my purpose in life and considered taking my own life and wanting to be with my daughter.
For me, it happened in February 2010. My husband was on his 2nd deployment since losing Savannah. I was alone and it was Valentine’s Day. It had nothing to do with Valentine’s Day, but it was exactly 9 months earlier that was May 14th, my due date with Savannah, who was still very much alive within me. If only I had said something or done something differently. Everyone has agreed that if I had delivered her one week or even one day sooner, Savannah would be here today. I felt enormous pain and guilt that as a Mom, I had somehow failed my daughter. I felt alone and isolated. I didn’t know anyone who had been through the loss of a child. I reached out to everyone in my family. It was the darkest time of my life. I remember thinking that my husband would find someone else and Jeremy would have a new Mom, one who could be happy and play with him. I felt that I had nothing left to give. I wished more than anything that I could go back to that day and take Savannah’s place. Why her? Why now? I had lived a good life, gone to college, had fun, got married, and had a baby already. Savannah got none of that. Why couldn't it have been me?
Back to George Anthony ~ he was a grieving grandfather. When you lose a child, whether it is yours or a grandchild in such a manner that is unnatural, people react differently. But I can tell you that he saw the same potential and future for his granddaughter that I had for Savannah. It’s true that he had almost 3 years with Caylee that I never got with Savannah, but the pain is the same. To know that another human is responsible for your child’s death is unbearable and unless you have experienced it personally, there is no way to understand it.
I admire how George Anthony and his wife reached out to others and have continued to advocate for missing children. They kept the memory of their granddaughter alive by turning their own personal tragedy into something positive. This is also what I have tried to do with Savannah’s story. I tell people about the risks and concerns with military hospitals. I talk about what I did and what I should have done differently. I tell people about all of the advantages of delivering at a Catholic hospital (they will always do everything possible to save your baby no matter what the circumstances and are ethically bound to do so). I will continue to use Savannah’s story when invited to speak to teach nurses, doctors, chaplains, and other healthcare workers what to do and what not to do when a baby does die. The only way that I was able to pull through my darkest days was to find my purpose again. My purpose is completely different from before May 17, 2009. Before that day, my purpose was to be the best mom, wife, friend, sister, and person I could possibly be. May 18th and beyond, my purpose became much clearer ~ I still strive to do all of those things, but I am also an activist for Stillbirth Awareness and talking about the failures in military healthcare. I have joined forces with other groups and organizations to bring awareness to these issues and to educate others on things you can do to be proactive in the future.
Sometimes, it takes those darkest days when we feel we have lost our purpose in life to really find out who we are, who matters, who stands beside us, and who supports us unconditionally. My daughter’s life taught our family so much about support, love, and the bonds that only blood can bring. She is an amazing example of how one person can make a difference ~ and it’s not me. It’s all Savannah. She just uses me as her voice.
I hope that people realize that passing judgment on what is or isn’t appropriate methods of grief is hurtful and unnecessary. At the same time, I realize that unless you have walked in my shoes, there is no way you could ever see things from the same perspective. Do you know what it's like to leave a hospital with a carseat in the backseat of your car, a suitcase full of newborn clothes, dresses, and hairbows and come home to a beautifully decorated nursery with no baby? None of us know how anyone else feels, but it’s important to remember that when someone reaches out for help, that we be understanding and show compassion and empathy. You will never know the weight of the cross that each one of us carries on the inside.
Until next time,
Shannon
Today in particular, things struck a huge cord with me. Casey’s father, George Anthony was being grilled about an attempted suicide attempt. I listened to comments from commentators and others who thought that was fake. I know for a fact it was not fake. I have been there myself. I have lost my purpose in life and considered taking my own life and wanting to be with my daughter.
For me, it happened in February 2010. My husband was on his 2nd deployment since losing Savannah. I was alone and it was Valentine’s Day. It had nothing to do with Valentine’s Day, but it was exactly 9 months earlier that was May 14th, my due date with Savannah, who was still very much alive within me. If only I had said something or done something differently. Everyone has agreed that if I had delivered her one week or even one day sooner, Savannah would be here today. I felt enormous pain and guilt that as a Mom, I had somehow failed my daughter. I felt alone and isolated. I didn’t know anyone who had been through the loss of a child. I reached out to everyone in my family. It was the darkest time of my life. I remember thinking that my husband would find someone else and Jeremy would have a new Mom, one who could be happy and play with him. I felt that I had nothing left to give. I wished more than anything that I could go back to that day and take Savannah’s place. Why her? Why now? I had lived a good life, gone to college, had fun, got married, and had a baby already. Savannah got none of that. Why couldn't it have been me?
Back to George Anthony ~ he was a grieving grandfather. When you lose a child, whether it is yours or a grandchild in such a manner that is unnatural, people react differently. But I can tell you that he saw the same potential and future for his granddaughter that I had for Savannah. It’s true that he had almost 3 years with Caylee that I never got with Savannah, but the pain is the same. To know that another human is responsible for your child’s death is unbearable and unless you have experienced it personally, there is no way to understand it.
I admire how George Anthony and his wife reached out to others and have continued to advocate for missing children. They kept the memory of their granddaughter alive by turning their own personal tragedy into something positive. This is also what I have tried to do with Savannah’s story. I tell people about the risks and concerns with military hospitals. I talk about what I did and what I should have done differently. I tell people about all of the advantages of delivering at a Catholic hospital (they will always do everything possible to save your baby no matter what the circumstances and are ethically bound to do so). I will continue to use Savannah’s story when invited to speak to teach nurses, doctors, chaplains, and other healthcare workers what to do and what not to do when a baby does die. The only way that I was able to pull through my darkest days was to find my purpose again. My purpose is completely different from before May 17, 2009. Before that day, my purpose was to be the best mom, wife, friend, sister, and person I could possibly be. May 18th and beyond, my purpose became much clearer ~ I still strive to do all of those things, but I am also an activist for Stillbirth Awareness and talking about the failures in military healthcare. I have joined forces with other groups and organizations to bring awareness to these issues and to educate others on things you can do to be proactive in the future.
Sometimes, it takes those darkest days when we feel we have lost our purpose in life to really find out who we are, who matters, who stands beside us, and who supports us unconditionally. My daughter’s life taught our family so much about support, love, and the bonds that only blood can bring. She is an amazing example of how one person can make a difference ~ and it’s not me. It’s all Savannah. She just uses me as her voice.
I hope that people realize that passing judgment on what is or isn’t appropriate methods of grief is hurtful and unnecessary. At the same time, I realize that unless you have walked in my shoes, there is no way you could ever see things from the same perspective. Do you know what it's like to leave a hospital with a carseat in the backseat of your car, a suitcase full of newborn clothes, dresses, and hairbows and come home to a beautifully decorated nursery with no baby? None of us know how anyone else feels, but it’s important to remember that when someone reaches out for help, that we be understanding and show compassion and empathy. You will never know the weight of the cross that each one of us carries on the inside.
Until next time,
Shannon
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
The blessing of May Crowning...
Maycrowing is a special tradition that I remember from being a little girl. It always happen in May, the month of Mary, and is such an honor to partake in if you ever have the chance. As a side note, this is part of the reason why I LOVE the Month of May so much that we selected our wedding to occur. I got the priviledge of watching each year throughout Catholic school, and when I became an 8th grader, the girl selected to do the actual Crowning of Mary, is a wonderful girl who to this day, I have the priviledge of still calling a friend.
When I heard through our Church Bulletin that it was going to take place on May 22nd after the 11am mass (the mass that was being offered for Savannah), of course we were going to attend. They had the recent 1st Communicants dressed in their dresses and suits partipate in the saying of the rosary and then bringing flowers to Mary. It was amazing and meant the world to me. Eric and Jeremy had never been before, but I think they enjoyed it too.
Here is a picture of the "May Crowning." It brought tears to my eyes as I remembered my years looking forward to this ritual each year.
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Shannon
When I heard through our Church Bulletin that it was going to take place on May 22nd after the 11am mass (the mass that was being offered for Savannah), of course we were going to attend. They had the recent 1st Communicants dressed in their dresses and suits partipate in the saying of the rosary and then bringing flowers to Mary. It was amazing and meant the world to me. Eric and Jeremy had never been before, but I think they enjoyed it too.
Here is a picture of the "May Crowning." It brought tears to my eyes as I remembered my years looking forward to this ritual each year.
Until next time,
Shannon
Monday, May 23, 2011
Savannah's 2nd Birthday in Heaven
Wednesday, Savannah's Birthday, May 18th, was bittersweet. The day prior, when I took Jeremy to school, his teacher told me that they were going to celebrate the children who had summer birthdays with an "unbirthday" party. I was given the next day (May 18th) or Monday, May 23rd. I thought about it for a few minutes, but then decided to choose the next day. What a special thing to be able to celebrate both Savannah's Birthday and Jeremy's Birthday. I stopped by and spent some time with Savannah. I had some new flowers for her and also a "Birthday Girl" balloon with butterflies to deliver.
I decided to order special cupcakes to celebrate Savannah's Birthday in the same colors as her nursery.
All the kids are enjoying their cupcakes (the frosting mostly)...
I decided to order special cupcakes to celebrate Savannah's Birthday in the same colors as her nursery.
I couldn't resist the ballerina.
All the kids are enjoying their cupcakes (the frosting mostly)...
It was a good day and I was so happy that the circumstances happened that I was able to celebrate both of my babies together. It was a special day made much easier by Jeremy. He said, "Now we have a really huge-mongous ladder so Daddy can get Savannah and bring her down from Heaven." I wish it was that easy!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
2 years ago today....
Well, here I am. It is May 17th ~ a day exactly 2 years ago when my world shattered to pieces. We received the most horrible news that any expectant parent could possibly hear. It was around 11am when we lost her, we believe in Church. These are moments that will likely haunt me forever.
Surprisingly, I am not sad. I am not angry. I feel completely filled with peace for the first time in a long time. I owe this completely to the people in my life who support me, love me unconditionally, and lift me up in my faith. I still miss my daughter so much that it hurts, but now understand the meaning of her life and how she has changed the lives of everyone who knows her name.
Last week, I received a phone call from Savannah. No, I am not crazy and yes, you read correct. The call came in on May 11th at 8:44pm. My husband and I were both home, a phone within reach of both of us. I was lying in bed with Jeremy next to me as he fell asleep, protecting him from "scary monsters." Later, I noticed the blinking light on the phone, indicating a voicemail. In fact, it woke me up again in the middle of the night. I got up out of my bed, picked up the phone, and put it in a drawer, and went back to sleep.
The next morning, I listened to it. There was no phone number attached to the message. It stopped me in my tracks. Here is what I heard:
After listening to the message with my untrained ear, I knew it was Savannah and I was immediately filled with peace. It was a feeling unlike anything I have ever felt before. I am so honored that Savannah reached out to me.
To the human year, it just sounds like static or white noise, but not quite. I had the sounds analyzed by 16 different people who are trained in spirit communications and the translation was:
"Mommy, I am here. Mommy, I love you. It's me, Mommy. It's me. I miss you. Hi Mommy. Hi, hi, hi. I love you, Mommy."
Wow. Gives you chills, doesn't it? Faith is believing and trusting when you do not understand.
My Dad sent me this book, "Burst" by Kevin Wells. IT was not the book that I was expecting to pick up and read, and it too, brought me peace and hope. I learned that suffering is a gift from God. In times of deep pain and sorrow, it is then that we are closer to God. He is not inflicting it upon us, but rather using it as a tool to strengthen our faith. It is easy to question and wonder why things have happened, but in reality, each person has had their fair share of tragedy. It is an opportunity for growth and a lesson on how we can do better.
Today, as 11am inches closer in time, please pray for me and my family. It will undoubtedly be difficult for us to relive moment by moment of the tragedy that unfolded, but we have forgiveness in our hearts and an unconditional love for Savannah for who she is, and not what she wasn't.
Here are a few of my favorite quotes about Grace, the amazing gift that Savannah Grace has brought to our lives and everyone who knows her:
"Grace is what God gives us when we don't deserve and mercy is when God doesn't give us what we do deserve."
"Grace meets you where you are, but it doesn't leave you where it found you." ~ Anne Lamott
"There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it." ~ Edith Warton
"I don't think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that still remains." ~ Anne Frank
Happy 2nd Birthday in Heaven, my love.
Surprisingly, I am not sad. I am not angry. I feel completely filled with peace for the first time in a long time. I owe this completely to the people in my life who support me, love me unconditionally, and lift me up in my faith. I still miss my daughter so much that it hurts, but now understand the meaning of her life and how she has changed the lives of everyone who knows her name.
Last week, I received a phone call from Savannah. No, I am not crazy and yes, you read correct. The call came in on May 11th at 8:44pm. My husband and I were both home, a phone within reach of both of us. I was lying in bed with Jeremy next to me as he fell asleep, protecting him from "scary monsters." Later, I noticed the blinking light on the phone, indicating a voicemail. In fact, it woke me up again in the middle of the night. I got up out of my bed, picked up the phone, and put it in a drawer, and went back to sleep.
The next morning, I listened to it. There was no phone number attached to the message. It stopped me in my tracks. Here is what I heard:
After listening to the message with my untrained ear, I knew it was Savannah and I was immediately filled with peace. It was a feeling unlike anything I have ever felt before. I am so honored that Savannah reached out to me.
To the human year, it just sounds like static or white noise, but not quite. I had the sounds analyzed by 16 different people who are trained in spirit communications and the translation was:
"Mommy, I am here. Mommy, I love you. It's me, Mommy. It's me. I miss you. Hi Mommy. Hi, hi, hi. I love you, Mommy."
Wow. Gives you chills, doesn't it? Faith is believing and trusting when you do not understand.
My Dad sent me this book, "Burst" by Kevin Wells. IT was not the book that I was expecting to pick up and read, and it too, brought me peace and hope. I learned that suffering is a gift from God. In times of deep pain and sorrow, it is then that we are closer to God. He is not inflicting it upon us, but rather using it as a tool to strengthen our faith. It is easy to question and wonder why things have happened, but in reality, each person has had their fair share of tragedy. It is an opportunity for growth and a lesson on how we can do better.
Today, as 11am inches closer in time, please pray for me and my family. It will undoubtedly be difficult for us to relive moment by moment of the tragedy that unfolded, but we have forgiveness in our hearts and an unconditional love for Savannah for who she is, and not what she wasn't.
Here are a few of my favorite quotes about Grace, the amazing gift that Savannah Grace has brought to our lives and everyone who knows her:
"Grace is what God gives us when we don't deserve and mercy is when God doesn't give us what we do deserve."
"Grace meets you where you are, but it doesn't leave you where it found you." ~ Anne Lamott
"There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it." ~ Edith Warton
"I don't think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that still remains." ~ Anne Frank
Happy 2nd Birthday in Heaven, my love.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
When Mother's Day Changes You Forever...
Eric and I had been married for nearly 2 years when I experienced my 1st Mother's Day of 2007. I was pregnant with Jeremy and my husband was deployed. It had been nearly 60 days since I had heard anything from him at all. It was a day like any other day, except that I had this amazing blessing growing inside of me.
The following year, Mother's Day 2008 was very special because my son, Jeremy had arrived, and was growing into such a fun age. He was 9 months old and such a happy baby. We attended Church together. I remember it clearly because we arrived a little bit late to Church and in true Catholic style, the Ushers seated us in the front row. During the Offeratory, when all was quiet except the priest (who is blind) was saying prayers at the alter, Jeremy decided to take the pacifier out of his mouth and throw it about 10 feet in front of us. There were giggles but my face turned new shades of red. We enjoyed dinner with good friends and enjoyed our 1st official Mother's Day together. I remember feeling such unmistakable feelings of gratitude and love.
Mother's Day 2009 was again very memorable. I was very pregnant with Savannah, with only 1 more week to go. It had been a very trying and emotional week, but we attended Church and this time, there was a visiting priest. Upon walking in, they asked my husband and I to bring up the gifts and asked me if I thought I would go into labor during Church. I assured them no. Mass proceeded and the visiting priest did a homily about the miracle of being pregnant and the connection of the baby and mom in utero. Those ushers must have been at mass the night before and knew to be on the lookout for a pregnant woman. I don't remember what else we did or ate but I remember feeling love and joy at the what was to become our family in just a matter of days.
One week later, our lives were changed forever. We learned that Sunday, in Church, that the movement of Savannah that I was feeling would be her last. Now, everything looked different and would never be the same.
The following Mother's Day of 2010 marked one year of terrible deep sorrow, depression, and a dark period where I had lost my purpose. But with the support of my family and friends, but most importantly Jeremy, I was able to recover and celebrate my family. It was not the way I had pictured it, but it was what it was. As I looked around me and noticed everyone with babies, it was very difficult not to be angry and bitter. But I learned that those feelings would only continue to keep me down and that I had to open my heart to forgiveness. I had to embrace Savannah for her life and for the lessons she taught us in her brief life of 40 weeks and 3 days.
This year, Mother's Day 2011, marks another year where I have continued to heal while loving and accepting Savannah for who she was, and not what I wanted her to be. I have realized that it is a day of hope and joy and a time to remember all of our blessings and children no matter how long they were here on Earth.
It is also a time to remember those who have gone before us. I have 2 amazing Grandmothers who meant the world to me who I know are taking care of my little girl and I hope are smiling down upon us with pride. I am thankful for my own Mother who has raised me to be an amazing woman. I am thankful for my husband's Grandmother, who was such an amazing woman in her time but now is still full of love and a wonderful sense of humor in her older age.
I look around me at all of the Springtime symbols that goes hand-in-hand with Mother's Day. There are beautiful flowers and warm days and just an overall feeling of happiness. It's hard not to smile when you look around you. Just as easy as it is to look around you and feel the joy of the season and especially the month of May (my favorite month of the year), I make a concerted effort to look at all of the mothers, young and old, good or bad, and find peace in my heart that they, just as I, were given this amazing gift of being a mother. Every day is a blessing and Mother's Day is an extra reminder of the blessing that is to be ~ A MOTHER.
The following year, Mother's Day 2008 was very special because my son, Jeremy had arrived, and was growing into such a fun age. He was 9 months old and such a happy baby. We attended Church together. I remember it clearly because we arrived a little bit late to Church and in true Catholic style, the Ushers seated us in the front row. During the Offeratory, when all was quiet except the priest (who is blind) was saying prayers at the alter, Jeremy decided to take the pacifier out of his mouth and throw it about 10 feet in front of us. There were giggles but my face turned new shades of red. We enjoyed dinner with good friends and enjoyed our 1st official Mother's Day together. I remember feeling such unmistakable feelings of gratitude and love.
Mother's Day 2009 was again very memorable. I was very pregnant with Savannah, with only 1 more week to go. It had been a very trying and emotional week, but we attended Church and this time, there was a visiting priest. Upon walking in, they asked my husband and I to bring up the gifts and asked me if I thought I would go into labor during Church. I assured them no. Mass proceeded and the visiting priest did a homily about the miracle of being pregnant and the connection of the baby and mom in utero. Those ushers must have been at mass the night before and knew to be on the lookout for a pregnant woman. I don't remember what else we did or ate but I remember feeling love and joy at the what was to become our family in just a matter of days.
One week later, our lives were changed forever. We learned that Sunday, in Church, that the movement of Savannah that I was feeling would be her last. Now, everything looked different and would never be the same.
The following Mother's Day of 2010 marked one year of terrible deep sorrow, depression, and a dark period where I had lost my purpose. But with the support of my family and friends, but most importantly Jeremy, I was able to recover and celebrate my family. It was not the way I had pictured it, but it was what it was. As I looked around me and noticed everyone with babies, it was very difficult not to be angry and bitter. But I learned that those feelings would only continue to keep me down and that I had to open my heart to forgiveness. I had to embrace Savannah for her life and for the lessons she taught us in her brief life of 40 weeks and 3 days.
This year, Mother's Day 2011, marks another year where I have continued to heal while loving and accepting Savannah for who she was, and not what I wanted her to be. I have realized that it is a day of hope and joy and a time to remember all of our blessings and children no matter how long they were here on Earth.
It is also a time to remember those who have gone before us. I have 2 amazing Grandmothers who meant the world to me who I know are taking care of my little girl and I hope are smiling down upon us with pride. I am thankful for my own Mother who has raised me to be an amazing woman. I am thankful for my husband's Grandmother, who was such an amazing woman in her time but now is still full of love and a wonderful sense of humor in her older age.
I look around me at all of the Springtime symbols that goes hand-in-hand with Mother's Day. There are beautiful flowers and warm days and just an overall feeling of happiness. It's hard not to smile when you look around you. Just as easy as it is to look around you and feel the joy of the season and especially the month of May (my favorite month of the year), I make a concerted effort to look at all of the mothers, young and old, good or bad, and find peace in my heart that they, just as I, were given this amazing gift of being a mother. Every day is a blessing and Mother's Day is an extra reminder of the blessing that is to be ~ A MOTHER.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Easter is coming!!
It has been such a long time since I have blogged! The last several months have been filled with many ups and downs and I am grateful for every second of it. We are so blessed to have such supportive and loving family and friends. They can pick me up when I am down and tell me like it is when I need to hear it.
In March, we successfully moved Eric's grandmother here and we are so happy to have her! We are enjoying her every chance we get and she has brought so much joy to Jeremy. There were some rocky points in the beginning, but she is doing far more independently and socially than she has in years. No matter how much time any of us has, we should be building memories and that is our mission with Jody.
First, we were so excited to receive another foster placement. This time, it was a 14 year old girl and coincidentally, her birthday was May 18th ~ the same as Savannah's. Her story was heartbreaking, but we thought with some structure, discipline, and unconditional love, she would thrive and get her life headed in the right direction. Things went well for 10 days and on the 11th day, things got bad ~ really bad. I can't talk about specifics but a knife and the police were involved.
We threw all of our energy into Jeremy. He started swimming lessons again and this time, he is big enough to take them with a class without a parent in the water! This is mostly exciting for me because I don't have to change into a swimsuit twice a week. In the picture below, Jeremy is learning how to float!
We had such a fun Spring Break! We went to the Beach, Busch Gardens, and had lots of fun! I know Eric was very disappointed that he had to work each day while Jeremy and I played hookie!
Also, this past week, I was able to participate in one of my favorite programs yet! It was the Girls of Excellence Etiquette & Grooming Session. We had the opportunity to teach 45 of the sweetest, most well-behaved girls how to act, make good first impressions, how to take care of their hair and face, they got manicures, learned table manners and how to host a fabulous tea party! It was a wonderful day and such a blessing for me to be part of.
For Lent this year, I participated in the "40 Days for Life" prayful peace vigil outside of a Newport News Abortion Clinic. I first heard about this from my Dad, who has participated for several years in California. I have to say, it was a very spiritual experience for me. It was challenging to stand outside the clinic and pray the rosary while women walked in and out from having abortions. It was challenging not to be judgemental, but to realized that if those young ladies had been given the same opportunities I had, they would likely make different decisions. I met an amazing woman who openly stated that she regretted her abortion. It was a wonderful testament to my faith. Additionally, in times when I was most struggling with the challenge of continuing to pray knowing that people were throwing their babies away when my family would do anything to have another child, a very dear friend pointed out to me my purpose: I was loving each of those babies in their final moments. Each of those babies knew love and even though it wasn't from their own mother, it was from someone who cared deeply for them as they were escorted up to Heaven. It made a lot of sense to me and I realized again why I am here and that God has more work for me to do.
As we are preparing for Easter Sunday tomorrow, I remember that yesterday was Good Friday. It is such a sad day for me when I think about all that Jesus endured for our sins so that we may live and be forgiven. Someone once said, "We must always have our Good Fridays before we can have our Easters." If this is true, sometimes I wonder if my Easter will ever come. But I continue to have faith that God has a bigger plan for me than I have for myself.
Lastly, I have to update you on my Weeping Cherry Tree. I planted it last Easter Sunday when we moved into the house. We placed it in a place of honor for Savannah and I was very worried that it wasn't blooming. I was certain it was dead, but someone advised us to scratch the trunk, and sure enough ~ green! A few days later, it began to flower. It brought me so much joy!
We have an exciting day planned for tomorrow and I will try to be better about blogging and keeping the support going to those who depend on me.
Until next time, I wish you many Easter Blessings today, tomorrow, and always!
~ Shannon
In March, we successfully moved Eric's grandmother here and we are so happy to have her! We are enjoying her every chance we get and she has brought so much joy to Jeremy. There were some rocky points in the beginning, but she is doing far more independently and socially than she has in years. No matter how much time any of us has, we should be building memories and that is our mission with Jody.
First, we were so excited to receive another foster placement. This time, it was a 14 year old girl and coincidentally, her birthday was May 18th ~ the same as Savannah's. Her story was heartbreaking, but we thought with some structure, discipline, and unconditional love, she would thrive and get her life headed in the right direction. Things went well for 10 days and on the 11th day, things got bad ~ really bad. I can't talk about specifics but a knife and the police were involved.
We threw all of our energy into Jeremy. He started swimming lessons again and this time, he is big enough to take them with a class without a parent in the water! This is mostly exciting for me because I don't have to change into a swimsuit twice a week. In the picture below, Jeremy is learning how to float!
We had such a fun Spring Break! We went to the Beach, Busch Gardens, and had lots of fun! I know Eric was very disappointed that he had to work each day while Jeremy and I played hookie!
Also, this past week, I was able to participate in one of my favorite programs yet! It was the Girls of Excellence Etiquette & Grooming Session. We had the opportunity to teach 45 of the sweetest, most well-behaved girls how to act, make good first impressions, how to take care of their hair and face, they got manicures, learned table manners and how to host a fabulous tea party! It was a wonderful day and such a blessing for me to be part of.
For Lent this year, I participated in the "40 Days for Life" prayful peace vigil outside of a Newport News Abortion Clinic. I first heard about this from my Dad, who has participated for several years in California. I have to say, it was a very spiritual experience for me. It was challenging to stand outside the clinic and pray the rosary while women walked in and out from having abortions. It was challenging not to be judgemental, but to realized that if those young ladies had been given the same opportunities I had, they would likely make different decisions. I met an amazing woman who openly stated that she regretted her abortion. It was a wonderful testament to my faith. Additionally, in times when I was most struggling with the challenge of continuing to pray knowing that people were throwing their babies away when my family would do anything to have another child, a very dear friend pointed out to me my purpose: I was loving each of those babies in their final moments. Each of those babies knew love and even though it wasn't from their own mother, it was from someone who cared deeply for them as they were escorted up to Heaven. It made a lot of sense to me and I realized again why I am here and that God has more work for me to do.
As we are preparing for Easter Sunday tomorrow, I remember that yesterday was Good Friday. It is such a sad day for me when I think about all that Jesus endured for our sins so that we may live and be forgiven. Someone once said, "We must always have our Good Fridays before we can have our Easters." If this is true, sometimes I wonder if my Easter will ever come. But I continue to have faith that God has a bigger plan for me than I have for myself.
Lastly, I have to update you on my Weeping Cherry Tree. I planted it last Easter Sunday when we moved into the house. We placed it in a place of honor for Savannah and I was very worried that it wasn't blooming. I was certain it was dead, but someone advised us to scratch the trunk, and sure enough ~ green! A few days later, it began to flower. It brought me so much joy!
We have an exciting day planned for tomorrow and I will try to be better about blogging and keeping the support going to those who depend on me.
Until next time, I wish you many Easter Blessings today, tomorrow, and always!
~ Shannon
Dear Easter Bunny - I just had to write today - to see if you'll stop in heaven - as you hop along your way. You see part of me is up there - that I miss with all my heart. - My baby is up in heaven - and my life is torn apart - So when you take her eggs up there - please whisper in her ear - tell her Mommy loves her - and wishes she were here
♥ Savannah Grace ♥
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Sad days...
Sometimes, even 20 months after my first loss, I still have sad days. I am always aware of what is missing from my life and from my family. As I look around me, it appears as though everyone is pregnant. I can't turn on the TV without catching the newest episode of Teen Mom, or hearing about Nicole Kidman or Kate Hudson. I'm not ashamed to admit that I still have bad days; days full of bitterness, anger, and jealousy. It's part of the journey of grief that I will be on for the rest of my life.
I didn't want to have to share that we had lost another baby. I didn't want to share that the baby count in Heaven now stands at 5. Those are numbers that no one wants to share or hear about me. But not saying it out loud doesn't mean it didn't happen. It doesn't make the pain any less. It doesn't make me feel better about the things that have happened.
A good friend reminded me today that Savannah went from a good place into an even better one, one that we can only imagine. She reminded me that Savannah wasn't robbed of anything, but rather I was robbed of everything. I am painfully aware that my chances of ever having a living child may have very well died with Savannah that day back in May of 2009. I cannot describe the hurt in my heart that I can't see her face or watch her grow up. I can't stand the fact that it may be a reality that Jeremy will be an only child. One day, when my husband and I are gone, who will he have?
It's OK to have sad days. These days bring me closer to Savannah. There is a quote that HM Queen Elizabeth II said after September 11, 2001 in a speech about our shared anguish after the terror attacks on our nation - "Grief is the price you pay for love." There is no doubt that Savannah is truly and deeply loved by many.
I didn't want to have to share that we had lost another baby. I didn't want to share that the baby count in Heaven now stands at 5. Those are numbers that no one wants to share or hear about me. But not saying it out loud doesn't mean it didn't happen. It doesn't make the pain any less. It doesn't make me feel better about the things that have happened.
A good friend reminded me today that Savannah went from a good place into an even better one, one that we can only imagine. She reminded me that Savannah wasn't robbed of anything, but rather I was robbed of everything. I am painfully aware that my chances of ever having a living child may have very well died with Savannah that day back in May of 2009. I cannot describe the hurt in my heart that I can't see her face or watch her grow up. I can't stand the fact that it may be a reality that Jeremy will be an only child. One day, when my husband and I are gone, who will he have?
It's OK to have sad days. These days bring me closer to Savannah. There is a quote that HM Queen Elizabeth II said after September 11, 2001 in a speech about our shared anguish after the terror attacks on our nation - "Grief is the price you pay for love." There is no doubt that Savannah is truly and deeply loved by many.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Happy 3rd Birthday to M.!
I knew this day would come. I thought about it over Christmas. Each time I go into the refrigerator, I see the "Big Top Cupcake" that we ordered back in September in preparation for this day. I pulled out all of the "3rd Birthday" signs and balloons that were leftover from Jeremy's Birthday Party. I thought about her on the way to Church. I thought about her all day. I think about her every day.
Today is M's 3rd Birthday. Many of you have wondered since I don't speak of her anymore what happened. It is too painful for us to talk about. We wanted things to go so differently. We wanted to adopt her. More than anything, we wanted to "love" her back to health. But we couldn't. We think about our failures all the time. Many people assure us that it wasn't a failure, that each of us has limits.
I called M. tonight to wish her a Happy Birthday. I was overjoyed when she responded to the sound of my voice and made some cooing noises. My heart was overjoyed when she responded to Eric and to Jeremy. I wonder each day what our lives would be like if she were still here.
As I made the long drive out to Virginia Beach for an event, I thought about how things had gone so wrong. We made some classic rookie mistakes. We went in full steam as soon as we learned that she would likely become adoptable. We went on a mission to "fix" her. We thought that if we surrounded her with the love and attention that she had lacked for the previous 2.5 years, she would get better. Her problems were so severe. No one knew the full extent of her issues, myself included. We took her to evaluations, tests, therapy, social interactions, and family events. We included her in everything. We wanted her and loved her. We were protective of her. She deserved nothing less.
I was disappointed to learn that she still isn't talking or eating. I was disheartened to hear the many different conflicting diagnosises that she has received since leaving us. Her new foster mom is great, but she is quickly realizing the same things that we did. M.will likely never be able to live independantly. She has made little to no progress. Doctors want to wait until she is verbal before evaluating her mental needs. They fail to realize that she will likely never be verbal. It is all very heartbreaking.
On the up side, we are thrilled that she remembered our voices and responded positively. I was thrilled to hear that she received the dress with her name embroidered on it and she wore it to Church on Christmas. I was thrilled to hear that she loves all of the toys that I put on her Christmas list, especially the toy shopping cart and plastic food. I spent hours researching what would be most helpful and appropriate for her levels and I was so happy to hear that she is enjoying everything.
I am fully aware of what we gave up when she left our home, but I also realized that it was affecting our family, especially Jeremy. She brought out some unresolved grief issues and I have to thank her for that. She has brought us closer together and helped to heal our family a little more than had she not been brought into our life. I miss her dearly, but I know that she needed so much more than we could give her.
Happy Birthday, sweet girl. You will always have such a special place in our hearts and we look forward to seeing you soon!
Today is M's 3rd Birthday. Many of you have wondered since I don't speak of her anymore what happened. It is too painful for us to talk about. We wanted things to go so differently. We wanted to adopt her. More than anything, we wanted to "love" her back to health. But we couldn't. We think about our failures all the time. Many people assure us that it wasn't a failure, that each of us has limits.
I called M. tonight to wish her a Happy Birthday. I was overjoyed when she responded to the sound of my voice and made some cooing noises. My heart was overjoyed when she responded to Eric and to Jeremy. I wonder each day what our lives would be like if she were still here.
As I made the long drive out to Virginia Beach for an event, I thought about how things had gone so wrong. We made some classic rookie mistakes. We went in full steam as soon as we learned that she would likely become adoptable. We went on a mission to "fix" her. We thought that if we surrounded her with the love and attention that she had lacked for the previous 2.5 years, she would get better. Her problems were so severe. No one knew the full extent of her issues, myself included. We took her to evaluations, tests, therapy, social interactions, and family events. We included her in everything. We wanted her and loved her. We were protective of her. She deserved nothing less.
I was disappointed to learn that she still isn't talking or eating. I was disheartened to hear the many different conflicting diagnosises that she has received since leaving us. Her new foster mom is great, but she is quickly realizing the same things that we did. M.will likely never be able to live independantly. She has made little to no progress. Doctors want to wait until she is verbal before evaluating her mental needs. They fail to realize that she will likely never be verbal. It is all very heartbreaking.
On the up side, we are thrilled that she remembered our voices and responded positively. I was thrilled to hear that she received the dress with her name embroidered on it and she wore it to Church on Christmas. I was thrilled to hear that she loves all of the toys that I put on her Christmas list, especially the toy shopping cart and plastic food. I spent hours researching what would be most helpful and appropriate for her levels and I was so happy to hear that she is enjoying everything.
I am fully aware of what we gave up when she left our home, but I also realized that it was affecting our family, especially Jeremy. She brought out some unresolved grief issues and I have to thank her for that. She has brought us closer together and helped to heal our family a little more than had she not been brought into our life. I miss her dearly, but I know that she needed so much more than we could give her.
Happy Birthday, sweet girl. You will always have such a special place in our hearts and we look forward to seeing you soon!
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