May 17, 2010 ~ Celebrating Savannah

This Sunday, May 17th, was so much harder on me.  I know her actual Birthday is May 18th.  That's the day I gave birth, but the 17th was a Sunday and that's when we lost her.  So this year, on her 1st Birthday in Heaven, it was fitting that the 17th fell on a Monday and the 18th on a Tuesday.  On that Monday, we decided to have a Birthday Party.  We got a cake for her, new flowers and a special spray that included lots of dollys and ballerinas.  For Jeremy's 1st Birthday, we threw a HUGE party with over 80 people.  We couldn't do that for Savannah.  I mean, who wants to have a party in a cemetary?

We arrived with everything despite the heavy rains.  We had planned a picnic but because of the rain, we opted to eat at the Olive Garden instead.  We headed out and visited with Savannah.  We left the cake we had gotten for her and her new flowers were placed lovingly on her space.  Jeremy was still in the car and with the windows open, we sang Happy Birthday.  Jeremy blew her kisses and it was done.  It was not the fancy HUGE party I had always wanted to throw my daughter, but it was fitting for the situation.

It's so hard because I am still so angry.  I don't understand why this happened or how it happened.  I don't understand why my doctor who is responsible for this gave birth to twins this month and I am here suffering 3 miscarriages following losing Savannah.  Not only is it not fair, but everyone else just gets to go on living their lives and I am here in pain and grief.