Eric and I had been married for nearly 2 years when I experienced my 1st Mother's Day of 2007. I was pregnant with Jeremy and my husband was deployed. It had been nearly 60 days since I had heard anything from him at all. It was a day like any other day, except that I had this amazing blessing growing inside of me.
The following year, Mother's Day 2008 was very special because my son, Jeremy had arrived, and was growing into such a fun age. He was 9 months old and such a happy baby. We attended Church together. I remember it clearly because we arrived a little bit late to Church and in true Catholic style, the Ushers seated us in the front row. During the Offeratory, when all was quiet except the priest (who is blind) was saying prayers at the alter, Jeremy decided to take the pacifier out of his mouth and throw it about 10 feet in front of us. There were giggles but my face turned new shades of red. We enjoyed dinner with good friends and enjoyed our 1st official Mother's Day together. I remember feeling such unmistakable feelings of gratitude and love.
Mother's Day 2009 was again very memorable. I was very pregnant with Savannah, with only 1 more week to go. It had been a very trying and emotional week, but we attended Church and this time, there was a visiting priest. Upon walking in, they asked my husband and I to bring up the gifts and asked me if I thought I would go into labor during Church. I assured them no. Mass proceeded and the visiting priest did a homily about the miracle of being pregnant and the connection of the baby and mom in utero. Those ushers must have been at mass the night before and knew to be on the lookout for a pregnant woman. I don't remember what else we did or ate but I remember feeling love and joy at the what was to become our family in just a matter of days.
One week later, our lives were changed forever. We learned that Sunday, in Church, that the movement of Savannah that I was feeling would be her last. Now, everything looked different and would never be the same.
The following Mother's Day of 2010 marked one year of terrible deep sorrow, depression, and a dark period where I had lost my purpose. But with the support of my family and friends, but most importantly Jeremy, I was able to recover and celebrate my family. It was not the way I had pictured it, but it was what it was. As I looked around me and noticed everyone with babies, it was very difficult not to be angry and bitter. But I learned that those feelings would only continue to keep me down and that I had to open my heart to forgiveness. I had to embrace Savannah for her life and for the lessons she taught us in her brief life of 40 weeks and 3 days.
This year, Mother's Day 2011, marks another year where I have continued to heal while loving and accepting Savannah for who she was, and not what I wanted her to be. I have realized that it is a day of hope and joy and a time to remember all of our blessings and children no matter how long they were here on Earth.
It is also a time to remember those who have gone before us. I have 2 amazing Grandmothers who meant the world to me who I know are taking care of my little girl and I hope are smiling down upon us with pride. I am thankful for my own Mother who has raised me to be an amazing woman. I am thankful for my husband's Grandmother, who was such an amazing woman in her time but now is still full of love and a wonderful sense of humor in her older age.
I look around me at all of the Springtime symbols that goes hand-in-hand with Mother's Day. There are beautiful flowers and warm days and just an overall feeling of happiness. It's hard not to smile when you look around you. Just as easy as it is to look around you and feel the joy of the season and especially the month of May (my favorite month of the year), I make a concerted effort to look at all of the mothers, young and old, good or bad, and find peace in my heart that they, just as I, were given this amazing gift of being a mother. Every day is a blessing and Mother's Day is an extra reminder of the blessing that is to be ~ A MOTHER.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Easter is coming!!
It has been such a long time since I have blogged! The last several months have been filled with many ups and downs and I am grateful for every second of it. We are so blessed to have such supportive and loving family and friends. They can pick me up when I am down and tell me like it is when I need to hear it.
In March, we successfully moved Eric's grandmother here and we are so happy to have her! We are enjoying her every chance we get and she has brought so much joy to Jeremy. There were some rocky points in the beginning, but she is doing far more independently and socially than she has in years. No matter how much time any of us has, we should be building memories and that is our mission with Jody.
First, we were so excited to receive another foster placement. This time, it was a 14 year old girl and coincidentally, her birthday was May 18th ~ the same as Savannah's. Her story was heartbreaking, but we thought with some structure, discipline, and unconditional love, she would thrive and get her life headed in the right direction. Things went well for 10 days and on the 11th day, things got bad ~ really bad. I can't talk about specifics but a knife and the police were involved.
We threw all of our energy into Jeremy. He started swimming lessons again and this time, he is big enough to take them with a class without a parent in the water! This is mostly exciting for me because I don't have to change into a swimsuit twice a week. In the picture below, Jeremy is learning how to float!
We had such a fun Spring Break! We went to the Beach, Busch Gardens, and had lots of fun! I know Eric was very disappointed that he had to work each day while Jeremy and I played hookie!
Also, this past week, I was able to participate in one of my favorite programs yet! It was the Girls of Excellence Etiquette & Grooming Session. We had the opportunity to teach 45 of the sweetest, most well-behaved girls how to act, make good first impressions, how to take care of their hair and face, they got manicures, learned table manners and how to host a fabulous tea party! It was a wonderful day and such a blessing for me to be part of.
For Lent this year, I participated in the "40 Days for Life" prayful peace vigil outside of a Newport News Abortion Clinic. I first heard about this from my Dad, who has participated for several years in California. I have to say, it was a very spiritual experience for me. It was challenging to stand outside the clinic and pray the rosary while women walked in and out from having abortions. It was challenging not to be judgemental, but to realized that if those young ladies had been given the same opportunities I had, they would likely make different decisions. I met an amazing woman who openly stated that she regretted her abortion. It was a wonderful testament to my faith. Additionally, in times when I was most struggling with the challenge of continuing to pray knowing that people were throwing their babies away when my family would do anything to have another child, a very dear friend pointed out to me my purpose: I was loving each of those babies in their final moments. Each of those babies knew love and even though it wasn't from their own mother, it was from someone who cared deeply for them as they were escorted up to Heaven. It made a lot of sense to me and I realized again why I am here and that God has more work for me to do.
As we are preparing for Easter Sunday tomorrow, I remember that yesterday was Good Friday. It is such a sad day for me when I think about all that Jesus endured for our sins so that we may live and be forgiven. Someone once said, "We must always have our Good Fridays before we can have our Easters." If this is true, sometimes I wonder if my Easter will ever come. But I continue to have faith that God has a bigger plan for me than I have for myself.
Lastly, I have to update you on my Weeping Cherry Tree. I planted it last Easter Sunday when we moved into the house. We placed it in a place of honor for Savannah and I was very worried that it wasn't blooming. I was certain it was dead, but someone advised us to scratch the trunk, and sure enough ~ green! A few days later, it began to flower. It brought me so much joy!
We have an exciting day planned for tomorrow and I will try to be better about blogging and keeping the support going to those who depend on me.
Until next time, I wish you many Easter Blessings today, tomorrow, and always!
~ Shannon
In March, we successfully moved Eric's grandmother here and we are so happy to have her! We are enjoying her every chance we get and she has brought so much joy to Jeremy. There were some rocky points in the beginning, but she is doing far more independently and socially than she has in years. No matter how much time any of us has, we should be building memories and that is our mission with Jody.
First, we were so excited to receive another foster placement. This time, it was a 14 year old girl and coincidentally, her birthday was May 18th ~ the same as Savannah's. Her story was heartbreaking, but we thought with some structure, discipline, and unconditional love, she would thrive and get her life headed in the right direction. Things went well for 10 days and on the 11th day, things got bad ~ really bad. I can't talk about specifics but a knife and the police were involved.
We threw all of our energy into Jeremy. He started swimming lessons again and this time, he is big enough to take them with a class without a parent in the water! This is mostly exciting for me because I don't have to change into a swimsuit twice a week. In the picture below, Jeremy is learning how to float!
We had such a fun Spring Break! We went to the Beach, Busch Gardens, and had lots of fun! I know Eric was very disappointed that he had to work each day while Jeremy and I played hookie!
Also, this past week, I was able to participate in one of my favorite programs yet! It was the Girls of Excellence Etiquette & Grooming Session. We had the opportunity to teach 45 of the sweetest, most well-behaved girls how to act, make good first impressions, how to take care of their hair and face, they got manicures, learned table manners and how to host a fabulous tea party! It was a wonderful day and such a blessing for me to be part of.
For Lent this year, I participated in the "40 Days for Life" prayful peace vigil outside of a Newport News Abortion Clinic. I first heard about this from my Dad, who has participated for several years in California. I have to say, it was a very spiritual experience for me. It was challenging to stand outside the clinic and pray the rosary while women walked in and out from having abortions. It was challenging not to be judgemental, but to realized that if those young ladies had been given the same opportunities I had, they would likely make different decisions. I met an amazing woman who openly stated that she regretted her abortion. It was a wonderful testament to my faith. Additionally, in times when I was most struggling with the challenge of continuing to pray knowing that people were throwing their babies away when my family would do anything to have another child, a very dear friend pointed out to me my purpose: I was loving each of those babies in their final moments. Each of those babies knew love and even though it wasn't from their own mother, it was from someone who cared deeply for them as they were escorted up to Heaven. It made a lot of sense to me and I realized again why I am here and that God has more work for me to do.
As we are preparing for Easter Sunday tomorrow, I remember that yesterday was Good Friday. It is such a sad day for me when I think about all that Jesus endured for our sins so that we may live and be forgiven. Someone once said, "We must always have our Good Fridays before we can have our Easters." If this is true, sometimes I wonder if my Easter will ever come. But I continue to have faith that God has a bigger plan for me than I have for myself.
Lastly, I have to update you on my Weeping Cherry Tree. I planted it last Easter Sunday when we moved into the house. We placed it in a place of honor for Savannah and I was very worried that it wasn't blooming. I was certain it was dead, but someone advised us to scratch the trunk, and sure enough ~ green! A few days later, it began to flower. It brought me so much joy!
We have an exciting day planned for tomorrow and I will try to be better about blogging and keeping the support going to those who depend on me.
Until next time, I wish you many Easter Blessings today, tomorrow, and always!
~ Shannon
Dear Easter Bunny - I just had to write today - to see if you'll stop in heaven - as you hop along your way. You see part of me is up there - that I miss with all my heart. - My baby is up in heaven - and my life is torn apart - So when you take her eggs up there - please whisper in her ear - tell her Mommy loves her - and wishes she were here
♥ Savannah Grace ♥
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Sad days...
Sometimes, even 20 months after my first loss, I still have sad days. I am always aware of what is missing from my life and from my family. As I look around me, it appears as though everyone is pregnant. I can't turn on the TV without catching the newest episode of Teen Mom, or hearing about Nicole Kidman or Kate Hudson. I'm not ashamed to admit that I still have bad days; days full of bitterness, anger, and jealousy. It's part of the journey of grief that I will be on for the rest of my life.
I didn't want to have to share that we had lost another baby. I didn't want to share that the baby count in Heaven now stands at 5. Those are numbers that no one wants to share or hear about me. But not saying it out loud doesn't mean it didn't happen. It doesn't make the pain any less. It doesn't make me feel better about the things that have happened.
A good friend reminded me today that Savannah went from a good place into an even better one, one that we can only imagine. She reminded me that Savannah wasn't robbed of anything, but rather I was robbed of everything. I am painfully aware that my chances of ever having a living child may have very well died with Savannah that day back in May of 2009. I cannot describe the hurt in my heart that I can't see her face or watch her grow up. I can't stand the fact that it may be a reality that Jeremy will be an only child. One day, when my husband and I are gone, who will he have?
It's OK to have sad days. These days bring me closer to Savannah. There is a quote that HM Queen Elizabeth II said after September 11, 2001 in a speech about our shared anguish after the terror attacks on our nation - "Grief is the price you pay for love." There is no doubt that Savannah is truly and deeply loved by many.
I didn't want to have to share that we had lost another baby. I didn't want to share that the baby count in Heaven now stands at 5. Those are numbers that no one wants to share or hear about me. But not saying it out loud doesn't mean it didn't happen. It doesn't make the pain any less. It doesn't make me feel better about the things that have happened.
A good friend reminded me today that Savannah went from a good place into an even better one, one that we can only imagine. She reminded me that Savannah wasn't robbed of anything, but rather I was robbed of everything. I am painfully aware that my chances of ever having a living child may have very well died with Savannah that day back in May of 2009. I cannot describe the hurt in my heart that I can't see her face or watch her grow up. I can't stand the fact that it may be a reality that Jeremy will be an only child. One day, when my husband and I are gone, who will he have?
It's OK to have sad days. These days bring me closer to Savannah. There is a quote that HM Queen Elizabeth II said after September 11, 2001 in a speech about our shared anguish after the terror attacks on our nation - "Grief is the price you pay for love." There is no doubt that Savannah is truly and deeply loved by many.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Happy 3rd Birthday to M.!
I knew this day would come. I thought about it over Christmas. Each time I go into the refrigerator, I see the "Big Top Cupcake" that we ordered back in September in preparation for this day. I pulled out all of the "3rd Birthday" signs and balloons that were leftover from Jeremy's Birthday Party. I thought about her on the way to Church. I thought about her all day. I think about her every day.
Today is M's 3rd Birthday. Many of you have wondered since I don't speak of her anymore what happened. It is too painful for us to talk about. We wanted things to go so differently. We wanted to adopt her. More than anything, we wanted to "love" her back to health. But we couldn't. We think about our failures all the time. Many people assure us that it wasn't a failure, that each of us has limits.
I called M. tonight to wish her a Happy Birthday. I was overjoyed when she responded to the sound of my voice and made some cooing noises. My heart was overjoyed when she responded to Eric and to Jeremy. I wonder each day what our lives would be like if she were still here.
As I made the long drive out to Virginia Beach for an event, I thought about how things had gone so wrong. We made some classic rookie mistakes. We went in full steam as soon as we learned that she would likely become adoptable. We went on a mission to "fix" her. We thought that if we surrounded her with the love and attention that she had lacked for the previous 2.5 years, she would get better. Her problems were so severe. No one knew the full extent of her issues, myself included. We took her to evaluations, tests, therapy, social interactions, and family events. We included her in everything. We wanted her and loved her. We were protective of her. She deserved nothing less.
I was disappointed to learn that she still isn't talking or eating. I was disheartened to hear the many different conflicting diagnosises that she has received since leaving us. Her new foster mom is great, but she is quickly realizing the same things that we did. M.will likely never be able to live independantly. She has made little to no progress. Doctors want to wait until she is verbal before evaluating her mental needs. They fail to realize that she will likely never be verbal. It is all very heartbreaking.
On the up side, we are thrilled that she remembered our voices and responded positively. I was thrilled to hear that she received the dress with her name embroidered on it and she wore it to Church on Christmas. I was thrilled to hear that she loves all of the toys that I put on her Christmas list, especially the toy shopping cart and plastic food. I spent hours researching what would be most helpful and appropriate for her levels and I was so happy to hear that she is enjoying everything.
I am fully aware of what we gave up when she left our home, but I also realized that it was affecting our family, especially Jeremy. She brought out some unresolved grief issues and I have to thank her for that. She has brought us closer together and helped to heal our family a little more than had she not been brought into our life. I miss her dearly, but I know that she needed so much more than we could give her.
Happy Birthday, sweet girl. You will always have such a special place in our hearts and we look forward to seeing you soon!
Today is M's 3rd Birthday. Many of you have wondered since I don't speak of her anymore what happened. It is too painful for us to talk about. We wanted things to go so differently. We wanted to adopt her. More than anything, we wanted to "love" her back to health. But we couldn't. We think about our failures all the time. Many people assure us that it wasn't a failure, that each of us has limits.
I called M. tonight to wish her a Happy Birthday. I was overjoyed when she responded to the sound of my voice and made some cooing noises. My heart was overjoyed when she responded to Eric and to Jeremy. I wonder each day what our lives would be like if she were still here.
As I made the long drive out to Virginia Beach for an event, I thought about how things had gone so wrong. We made some classic rookie mistakes. We went in full steam as soon as we learned that she would likely become adoptable. We went on a mission to "fix" her. We thought that if we surrounded her with the love and attention that she had lacked for the previous 2.5 years, she would get better. Her problems were so severe. No one knew the full extent of her issues, myself included. We took her to evaluations, tests, therapy, social interactions, and family events. We included her in everything. We wanted her and loved her. We were protective of her. She deserved nothing less.
I was disappointed to learn that she still isn't talking or eating. I was disheartened to hear the many different conflicting diagnosises that she has received since leaving us. Her new foster mom is great, but she is quickly realizing the same things that we did. M.will likely never be able to live independantly. She has made little to no progress. Doctors want to wait until she is verbal before evaluating her mental needs. They fail to realize that she will likely never be verbal. It is all very heartbreaking.
On the up side, we are thrilled that she remembered our voices and responded positively. I was thrilled to hear that she received the dress with her name embroidered on it and she wore it to Church on Christmas. I was thrilled to hear that she loves all of the toys that I put on her Christmas list, especially the toy shopping cart and plastic food. I spent hours researching what would be most helpful and appropriate for her levels and I was so happy to hear that she is enjoying everything.
I am fully aware of what we gave up when she left our home, but I also realized that it was affecting our family, especially Jeremy. She brought out some unresolved grief issues and I have to thank her for that. She has brought us closer together and helped to heal our family a little more than had she not been brought into our life. I miss her dearly, but I know that she needed so much more than we could give her.
Happy Birthday, sweet girl. You will always have such a special place in our hearts and we look forward to seeing you soon!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Christmas 2010
Christmas was a whirlwind! We spent a lot of time together and it was very peaceful! It was very important to instill in Jeremy some family traditions.
We baked plates of cookies for the Sheriff's Department & Social Services. We want to teach Jeremy that Christmas is about showing your appreciation for others, especially those who work hard to keep us safe. This will hopefully be an annual bake-a-thon!
We took a carriage ride...
We went to Church on Christmas Eve...
Later that afternoon, it started to snow....and snow....and snow more!
We were aware that someone very important to us was missing, but we tried to focus on our blessings and look forward to the year ahead. Hope is something we can never give up on, and we have turned to our faith to get us through the difficult times while being so thankful for everything we have been blessed with.
Many blessings to you today and tomorrow and always!
~ Shannon
We baked plates of cookies for the Sheriff's Department & Social Services. We want to teach Jeremy that Christmas is about showing your appreciation for others, especially those who work hard to keep us safe. This will hopefully be an annual bake-a-thon!
Savannah got a new festive Flowerball!
We took a carriage ride...
We saw Santa and his fabulous emeral green chair...
We set up the train set to go around the Christmas tree and put out the presents....
We went to Church on Christmas Eve...
And then we all went to bed and anxiously awaited what Santa would bring...
Later that afternoon, it started to snow....and snow....and snow more!
We were aware that someone very important to us was missing, but we tried to focus on our blessings and look forward to the year ahead. Hope is something we can never give up on, and we have turned to our faith to get us through the difficult times while being so thankful for everything we have been blessed with.
Many blessings to you today and tomorrow and always!
~ Shannon
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Elizabeth Edwards and the impact she has left behind...
I'm sure most of you heard this week that Elizabeth Edwards lost her 6 year battle with cancer. No one can deny what an outstanding woman, leader, mom, or example she was. Earlier this week, I made a comment about the loss and placed a small dig about her being misguided as a Democrat. While Democrats and I do not see eye to eye on many issues, primarily abortion, I didn't really have any idea of just how amazing Elizabeth was.
For example, I had no idea that she had lost her son 14 years ago in a freak car accident or how that same year she established a foundation in his memory. After watching all 1 hour and 23 minutes of her funeral, I learned about how she visited her son, Wade's grave, to whose side she is now buried, each and every day until the day she gave birth to her daughter. I didn't know that she read him the bible, poetry, and other literary works at his gravesite. I didn't know that she tended to him, brought new flowers, and while cleaning off his grave after a storm, would also clean the graves of those buried with him. She knew their names and their stories. I had no idea how much Elizabeth & I had in common, although I am certainly not comparable to her.
She had the ability to always be brave and look at the bright side of things. Even in the face of death, she spent years writing letters to her children filled with advice and love for them to treasure even after she was gone. She was smart, very smart, had a great sense of humor and the ability to laugh at herself. She was so much more than a politician's wife.
As I grieve over the loss of an amazing woman, I have to tell you how wrong I was to initially post a dig about her being a Democrat. Cancer has no likeness of political party, and whatever her beliefs, she was strong and convicted, the same way I am in my beliefs. While I wish that I would have learned more about her sooner, I can follow the example that she set. Amidst great turmoil, embarrassment, and shame, she carried herself with dignity, grace, and hope. She never felt like a victim.
I would be lying to you if I didn't think to myself regularly, "Why me?" or "Why Savannah?" Savannah's life was a blessing to me, each and every day of those 40 weeks and 3 days. She has given me hope to persevere in the midst of doubt and anger. We cannot advance in life if we aren't willing to take risks. Savannah has inspired others with her story, her life, and the life lessons that her life has taught our family.
Just as Elizabeth Edwards has done, each week, when I visit Savannah and clean her grave site, I hope that one day, after I am gone, that Jeremy will do the same. I pray that he will also lovingly take care of Savannah's neighbors. A very dear and wise friend told me about how she would visit the graves of her parents, kneel down, and clean them with Pledge. I had never thought about using Pledge before. I purchased a can and one Sunday, after Church, I cleaned her grave. As I stood back, I noticed how clean and shiny her headstone was. I thought to myself, it's not fair that the others do not have nice and shiny headstones. They are no less loved than Savannah even though they may not be visited as frequently. I wanted to get home to Jeremy and Eric. I started to walk back to my car and thought, I don't have enough paper towels to do it today. I will do it next time. As I opened up the back to put away my pledge and brush, there sat a brand new roll of paper towels. I knew it was Savannah telling me to take care of her friends. It took me nearly an hour to clean off the stones of nearly 40 other babies that are buried with Savannah. But I know it's what she wanted me to do. I never planned to share this story, but it's just one example of how she continues to speak through me.
I depend on Savannah and I look to her when I am in doubt. I look to her for comfort when I am missing her so dearly. I ask Jeremy questions about her because I want him to know all about his sister. She will always be a part of our family and even though I want her here with me every second of every minute of every day, I know she is in a better place. I know she is with God in a paradise that I can only imagine. I know that people that I loved so dearly on this Earth are taking care of her, enjoying her, and holding her hand for me until we are reunited.
She has taught me that I have to move on and move forward. I know in my heart that Savannah's work on Earth was done, but I have more work to do. I have wondered why God took Savannah and not me. After all, I have lived a good life, had many opportunities, found true love, got married, and had a family. I have been very blessed. This is I'm sure what each mother dreams of for the life of their daughter. Each of us has a mission and what we choose to do with it, make of it, or simply choose to ignore it is up to us. I had an opportunity to use my skills and talents and passions for good and I strive each day to do that because it's what Savannah would have wanted. No one cares about me or my accomplishments. It is Savannah whose life and story would impact so many. It is Savannah who has impacted this world. I am only her Mother and her voice, but the messages I share are undoubtedly hers.
So, I apologize to Elizabeth Edwards and anyone who was offended with my words. She was an amazing woman, and her legacy & everything that she stood for in this world will last long into the future.
Love to you & your family,
Shannon
For example, I had no idea that she had lost her son 14 years ago in a freak car accident or how that same year she established a foundation in his memory. After watching all 1 hour and 23 minutes of her funeral, I learned about how she visited her son, Wade's grave, to whose side she is now buried, each and every day until the day she gave birth to her daughter. I didn't know that she read him the bible, poetry, and other literary works at his gravesite. I didn't know that she tended to him, brought new flowers, and while cleaning off his grave after a storm, would also clean the graves of those buried with him. She knew their names and their stories. I had no idea how much Elizabeth & I had in common, although I am certainly not comparable to her.
She had the ability to always be brave and look at the bright side of things. Even in the face of death, she spent years writing letters to her children filled with advice and love for them to treasure even after she was gone. She was smart, very smart, had a great sense of humor and the ability to laugh at herself. She was so much more than a politician's wife.
As I grieve over the loss of an amazing woman, I have to tell you how wrong I was to initially post a dig about her being a Democrat. Cancer has no likeness of political party, and whatever her beliefs, she was strong and convicted, the same way I am in my beliefs. While I wish that I would have learned more about her sooner, I can follow the example that she set. Amidst great turmoil, embarrassment, and shame, she carried herself with dignity, grace, and hope. She never felt like a victim.
I would be lying to you if I didn't think to myself regularly, "Why me?" or "Why Savannah?" Savannah's life was a blessing to me, each and every day of those 40 weeks and 3 days. She has given me hope to persevere in the midst of doubt and anger. We cannot advance in life if we aren't willing to take risks. Savannah has inspired others with her story, her life, and the life lessons that her life has taught our family.
Just as Elizabeth Edwards has done, each week, when I visit Savannah and clean her grave site, I hope that one day, after I am gone, that Jeremy will do the same. I pray that he will also lovingly take care of Savannah's neighbors. A very dear and wise friend told me about how she would visit the graves of her parents, kneel down, and clean them with Pledge. I had never thought about using Pledge before. I purchased a can and one Sunday, after Church, I cleaned her grave. As I stood back, I noticed how clean and shiny her headstone was. I thought to myself, it's not fair that the others do not have nice and shiny headstones. They are no less loved than Savannah even though they may not be visited as frequently. I wanted to get home to Jeremy and Eric. I started to walk back to my car and thought, I don't have enough paper towels to do it today. I will do it next time. As I opened up the back to put away my pledge and brush, there sat a brand new roll of paper towels. I knew it was Savannah telling me to take care of her friends. It took me nearly an hour to clean off the stones of nearly 40 other babies that are buried with Savannah. But I know it's what she wanted me to do. I never planned to share this story, but it's just one example of how she continues to speak through me.
I depend on Savannah and I look to her when I am in doubt. I look to her for comfort when I am missing her so dearly. I ask Jeremy questions about her because I want him to know all about his sister. She will always be a part of our family and even though I want her here with me every second of every minute of every day, I know she is in a better place. I know she is with God in a paradise that I can only imagine. I know that people that I loved so dearly on this Earth are taking care of her, enjoying her, and holding her hand for me until we are reunited.
She has taught me that I have to move on and move forward. I know in my heart that Savannah's work on Earth was done, but I have more work to do. I have wondered why God took Savannah and not me. After all, I have lived a good life, had many opportunities, found true love, got married, and had a family. I have been very blessed. This is I'm sure what each mother dreams of for the life of their daughter. Each of us has a mission and what we choose to do with it, make of it, or simply choose to ignore it is up to us. I had an opportunity to use my skills and talents and passions for good and I strive each day to do that because it's what Savannah would have wanted. No one cares about me or my accomplishments. It is Savannah whose life and story would impact so many. It is Savannah who has impacted this world. I am only her Mother and her voice, but the messages I share are undoubtedly hers.
So, I apologize to Elizabeth Edwards and anyone who was offended with my words. She was an amazing woman, and her legacy & everything that she stood for in this world will last long into the future.
Love to you & your family,
Shannon
Monday, November 15, 2010
October & November Happenings...
Hi Everyone!
I know it's been awhile since I have posted on here. I guess I just found it difficult to put into words all the different feelings that I have been having lately. So, here's what's been going on!
We had a great Halloween in our new neighborhood. It's known as the hottest place in town and we were ready! With over 500 pieces of chocolate, we were prepared for the masses! We carved the pumpkins and made Halloween cookies for the neighbors. We love our neighbors!! I can't say enough good things about them! It's like having 2 sets of parents/grandparents for Jeremy!! And the best part is that they don't call the cops on us when the dogs get out. Although, they really don't get out anymore, but I'm sure if they did, they would let us know and return them.
Jeremy was the Cookie Monster for Halloween. This costume is so special to me because my Mom made it nearly 40 years ago. All 3 of my sisters and myself have worn it as well as my neice, Madilyn. Jeremy actually wore it last year too, but sadly, he caught the Swine Flu the day before so he was quarantined in the house. I was worried that it might not fit, but it did and he loved it! We had a hard time keeping the top part on, but we were able to bribe Jeremy for a few pictures.
Before we went Trick-Or-Treating, we spent the day at Busch Gardens for Hallow-Scream! It wasn't scary during the daytime and Jeremy really enjoyed being able to ride all the rides one last time before the season closed. He even got to meet Cookie Monster himself!
After Halloween, we taught Jeremy about All Saints Day and how it's a very special day that we get to remember his Sissy, Savannah. We also took the time to remember each of his great-grandparents who live in Heaven, as well as some of our fish who didn't survive the move. I'm fairly certain he has a good understanding.
Last week, I underwent surgery to try to repair my "reproductive organs" in the hopes of having successful pregnancies in the future. I had 6 different procedures done and according to Eric, everything went very well. In fact, they showed him pictures and handed him a video, which in turn, made him toss his cookies. I have no interest in seeing such things but I am interested in listening to the commentary during the surgery. We'll see if I can build up the stomach for that!
As I am recovering and getting back on my feet, we are preparing for Eric to have knee surgery next week. We are hopeful that it will be successful and in a few months once he is recovered, they will operate on the other knee. We ask for prayers for his safe surgery and speedy recovery. This year's Thanksgiving will be courtesy of Fresh Market. I know how much Eric enjoys all of the Thanksgiving goodies, and I'm hoping he will have his appetite back quicker than I did.
We are very excited and looking forward to celebrating our 1st Thanksgiving & Christmas in our new home! I cannot wait to set up the Christmas Tree and train that runs around it and watch Jeremy open up his presents from Santa. We are looking forward to starting some of our own family traditions. One tradition that I am looking forward to (and I'm sure Eric is too) is not participating in Thanksgiving evening/Black Friday madness. Each year I have been there with the best of them, but we are trying, as a family, to take everything in and just really enjoy each other.
Until next time,
~ Shannon
I know it's been awhile since I have posted on here. I guess I just found it difficult to put into words all the different feelings that I have been having lately. So, here's what's been going on!
We had a great Halloween in our new neighborhood. It's known as the hottest place in town and we were ready! With over 500 pieces of chocolate, we were prepared for the masses! We carved the pumpkins and made Halloween cookies for the neighbors. We love our neighbors!! I can't say enough good things about them! It's like having 2 sets of parents/grandparents for Jeremy!! And the best part is that they don't call the cops on us when the dogs get out. Although, they really don't get out anymore, but I'm sure if they did, they would let us know and return them.
Jeremy was the Cookie Monster for Halloween. This costume is so special to me because my Mom made it nearly 40 years ago. All 3 of my sisters and myself have worn it as well as my neice, Madilyn. Jeremy actually wore it last year too, but sadly, he caught the Swine Flu the day before so he was quarantined in the house. I was worried that it might not fit, but it did and he loved it! We had a hard time keeping the top part on, but we were able to bribe Jeremy for a few pictures.
Before we went Trick-Or-Treating, we spent the day at Busch Gardens for Hallow-Scream! It wasn't scary during the daytime and Jeremy really enjoyed being able to ride all the rides one last time before the season closed. He even got to meet Cookie Monster himself!
After Halloween, we taught Jeremy about All Saints Day and how it's a very special day that we get to remember his Sissy, Savannah. We also took the time to remember each of his great-grandparents who live in Heaven, as well as some of our fish who didn't survive the move. I'm fairly certain he has a good understanding.
Last week, I underwent surgery to try to repair my "reproductive organs" in the hopes of having successful pregnancies in the future. I had 6 different procedures done and according to Eric, everything went very well. In fact, they showed him pictures and handed him a video, which in turn, made him toss his cookies. I have no interest in seeing such things but I am interested in listening to the commentary during the surgery. We'll see if I can build up the stomach for that!
As I am recovering and getting back on my feet, we are preparing for Eric to have knee surgery next week. We are hopeful that it will be successful and in a few months once he is recovered, they will operate on the other knee. We ask for prayers for his safe surgery and speedy recovery. This year's Thanksgiving will be courtesy of Fresh Market. I know how much Eric enjoys all of the Thanksgiving goodies, and I'm hoping he will have his appetite back quicker than I did.
We are very excited and looking forward to celebrating our 1st Thanksgiving & Christmas in our new home! I cannot wait to set up the Christmas Tree and train that runs around it and watch Jeremy open up his presents from Santa. We are looking forward to starting some of our own family traditions. One tradition that I am looking forward to (and I'm sure Eric is too) is not participating in Thanksgiving evening/Black Friday madness. Each year I have been there with the best of them, but we are trying, as a family, to take everything in and just really enjoy each other.
Until next time,
~ Shannon
Saturday, October 16, 2010
October 15th 2010
Today we celebrated Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. It shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone on my Facebook Page because I have been talking about it for over a week now. Sometimes its frustrating because most people know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day doesn’t get a lot of attention. I would have never known about it either if we hadn’t lost Savannah, and I’m sure most of my Baby Loss Mommy friends would say the same.
We spent the day visit with Eric’s Grandmother. She is such a sweet lady who has lived a life of culture and experiences. She was the 1st woman Mayor of the town of Des Peres, a suburb outside of St. Louis. She was a proud Navy wife as well as Surgeon’s wife. She was very active in local and national politics, even later in life. She was a phenomenal artist and we are so proud to display some of her pieces in our home. Sadly, now, she lives in a nursing home and suffers from dementia.
She was excited to see us, but mostly Jeremy, whose smile can brighten any room he enters. We visited and then had a nice dinner with some other extended family. When we got back to the hotel, we lit Savannah’s candle and spent an hour reflecting, talking, and sharing stories. It is amazing to think of how many lives she has touched, how many hearts she has warmed, and how much love she has brought to our family. Today was no different because we honor her and remember her every day, but today we also remembered all of the other babies who left this Earth too soon, including Savannah’s 3 brothers and sisters. It’s hard for me to say it out loud. I have been pregnant 5 times but I have one baby. It’s easy to lose faith that we will ever have another, but we have faith in God and know that whatever he wants for us, we will take.
To anyone reading this who has lost a baby too soon, we remember your baby as well and our candle lit bright for each and every baby. We hope that this wave of light across the world brings awareness, hope, and love to each of the families left behind. We hope that today was a day of peace and that as you remember your baby, you realize that whatever the circumstances, you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. May each baby rest in eternal peace and watch over you and keep you safe.
We spent the day visit with Eric’s Grandmother. She is such a sweet lady who has lived a life of culture and experiences. She was the 1st woman Mayor of the town of Des Peres, a suburb outside of St. Louis. She was a proud Navy wife as well as Surgeon’s wife. She was very active in local and national politics, even later in life. She was a phenomenal artist and we are so proud to display some of her pieces in our home. Sadly, now, she lives in a nursing home and suffers from dementia.
She was excited to see us, but mostly Jeremy, whose smile can brighten any room he enters. We visited and then had a nice dinner with some other extended family. When we got back to the hotel, we lit Savannah’s candle and spent an hour reflecting, talking, and sharing stories. It is amazing to think of how many lives she has touched, how many hearts she has warmed, and how much love she has brought to our family. Today was no different because we honor her and remember her every day, but today we also remembered all of the other babies who left this Earth too soon, including Savannah’s 3 brothers and sisters. It’s hard for me to say it out loud. I have been pregnant 5 times but I have one baby. It’s easy to lose faith that we will ever have another, but we have faith in God and know that whatever he wants for us, we will take.
To anyone reading this who has lost a baby too soon, we remember your baby as well and our candle lit bright for each and every baby. We hope that this wave of light across the world brings awareness, hope, and love to each of the families left behind. We hope that today was a day of peace and that as you remember your baby, you realize that whatever the circumstances, you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. May each baby rest in eternal peace and watch over you and keep you safe.
Pig Races, Krispy Crème Hamburgers, and Danny Gokey. Oh MY!
On Thursday, we traveled to Raleigh to see Danny Gokey in concert. I was super excited to see the live performance of an artist whose music really helped me get in touch with my deep dark feelings of grief over the loss of Savannah. I thought since he only had one album that he would only be playing 4 or 5 songs. We arrived at the North Carolina State Fair and it was unlike anything I have ever experienced. I have been to a fair before but nothing like this! It was almost overwhelming. They had all of the fair favorites ~ funnel cakes, corn dogs, corn on the cob, and fresh (I think) lemonade. I was shocked at the lack of healthy choices and felt like my arteries were clogging up just by being around so much fried food. Who knew that you could fry candy bars, ho-hos, and twinkies? I think I remember hearing about it once, but I didn’t think it was actually true. Well, today as we were walking, I saw a sign for “Krispy Crème Cheeseburgers.” I thought I must be reading the sign wrong. I wasn’t. Check out what this looks like (note ~ I did NOT eat one, but I found the concept intriguing enough to take a picture).
We walked around and I noticed that every food choice was available from a different vendor about every 20 feet so if you missed one funnel cake trailer, there was another one selling the exact same thing in about a 60 second walk. I have never seen anything like this! We came across a pig race. I also have heard about these but never saw one live nor did I think they were actually done in like a side-show fashion. The pigs were cute, then the goats, and then some ducks. Now I can say that I have attended a pig race. It’s always good to be cultured, right?
Finally, it was time to get into the concert and get in line for the Meet & Greets. We found our seats and I headed off, leaving Eric and Jeremy behind. I was surprised at how many people were there, how large the stadium was, and how many people were really crazy about meeting Danny Gokey. I had no idea he was so popular. We walked back down below the stage, around and around, past his dressing room and into a large room with mirrors on one side. I was somewhere in the middle of the line. Finally, Danny came into the room and began taking pictures and signing autographs. While I was waiting, I was behind a great group of older ladies (probably around my mom’s age) and they all had matching T-shirts on that supported Danny’s Charity. The lady behind me was chatting about where I was from and when I told her Virginia, she said that the ladies in front of me were from Texas. I asked if they were in town for something else and they informed me that they only traveled to attend Danny’s concert and that they had been to the last 25 concerts he had. I was shocked! That is some dedication. I asked the ladies if I was correct in thinking Danny would only be doing 4 or 5 songs because I knew with a concert starting at 7:30pm and Jeremy’s usual bedtime being 8pm, our time before meltdown city was limited. She said that when he opened for Tim (McGraw) that he did 4 or 5 songs but since he was headlining, he did a whole 14 song set! Oops, I guess I misspoke! And who knew that the North Carolina State Fair was considered “headlining?”
It was a great concert and Eric and Jeremy lasted for 5 songs and I wanted to stay until I heard the song that meant the most to me, “I Will Not Say Goodbye.” I was worried when he started singing songs that weren’t on his CD but from his American Idol Days. Since that song is his current single, I was worried he might do that one last. Luckily, it was the next song. YAY! I was very moved that he dedicated it to anyone present who had lost someone special and to all of the military men & women serving our country. It was very sweet and I cried through much of it, but sometimes, that’s what you need to do right at that moment.
And somehow, that’s exactly what I needed. With today being October 14th and tomorrow being October 15th ~ National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, it was so meaningful. Since I am away and won’t be doing radio interviews this year, like I did last year, I am looking forward to a peaceful day reflecting on what was and what is, not on what should have been. I will never be able to change what happened that day, even though I would give my life in a second to switch places with her. I accept Savannah for who she is, where she lives, and what she means to my family. We love her with all of our hearts and will always keep her alive within us. Her treasures are still here to share and we will keep sharing them until we are together again.
I read a quote today that said there are 2 things as parents we should bequest our children: one is roots and the other is wings. Savannah has both, so I guess as parents, we have done our job. But then again, a parent’s job is never really over, is it?
We walked around and I noticed that every food choice was available from a different vendor about every 20 feet so if you missed one funnel cake trailer, there was another one selling the exact same thing in about a 60 second walk. I have never seen anything like this! We came across a pig race. I also have heard about these but never saw one live nor did I think they were actually done in like a side-show fashion. The pigs were cute, then the goats, and then some ducks. Now I can say that I have attended a pig race. It’s always good to be cultured, right?
Finally, it was time to get into the concert and get in line for the Meet & Greets. We found our seats and I headed off, leaving Eric and Jeremy behind. I was surprised at how many people were there, how large the stadium was, and how many people were really crazy about meeting Danny Gokey. I had no idea he was so popular. We walked back down below the stage, around and around, past his dressing room and into a large room with mirrors on one side. I was somewhere in the middle of the line. Finally, Danny came into the room and began taking pictures and signing autographs. While I was waiting, I was behind a great group of older ladies (probably around my mom’s age) and they all had matching T-shirts on that supported Danny’s Charity. The lady behind me was chatting about where I was from and when I told her Virginia, she said that the ladies in front of me were from Texas. I asked if they were in town for something else and they informed me that they only traveled to attend Danny’s concert and that they had been to the last 25 concerts he had. I was shocked! That is some dedication. I asked the ladies if I was correct in thinking Danny would only be doing 4 or 5 songs because I knew with a concert starting at 7:30pm and Jeremy’s usual bedtime being 8pm, our time before meltdown city was limited. She said that when he opened for Tim (McGraw) that he did 4 or 5 songs but since he was headlining, he did a whole 14 song set! Oops, I guess I misspoke! And who knew that the North Carolina State Fair was considered “headlining?”
It was a great concert and Eric and Jeremy lasted for 5 songs and I wanted to stay until I heard the song that meant the most to me, “I Will Not Say Goodbye.” I was worried when he started singing songs that weren’t on his CD but from his American Idol Days. Since that song is his current single, I was worried he might do that one last. Luckily, it was the next song. YAY! I was very moved that he dedicated it to anyone present who had lost someone special and to all of the military men & women serving our country. It was very sweet and I cried through much of it, but sometimes, that’s what you need to do right at that moment.
And somehow, that’s exactly what I needed. With today being October 14th and tomorrow being October 15th ~ National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, it was so meaningful. Since I am away and won’t be doing radio interviews this year, like I did last year, I am looking forward to a peaceful day reflecting on what was and what is, not on what should have been. I will never be able to change what happened that day, even though I would give my life in a second to switch places with her. I accept Savannah for who she is, where she lives, and what she means to my family. We love her with all of our hearts and will always keep her alive within us. Her treasures are still here to share and we will keep sharing them until we are together again.
I read a quote today that said there are 2 things as parents we should bequest our children: one is roots and the other is wings. Savannah has both, so I guess as parents, we have done our job. But then again, a parent’s job is never really over, is it?
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Struggles as a Parent...
Hey Everyone ~ Thanks for joining me and our family for another week! As most weeks, it has been a challenge mixed with joy and accomplishment. Our Foster Daughter is continuing to make great progress and is continueing to adjust and bond with us. Jeremy is still learning to adjust but is doing better.
Today we attended a birthday party for a good family friend of ours and of Jeremy's. It was a great party at a park in Williamsburge underneath a pavillion and it was great fun despite the rain. Our Foster Daughter, as usual, like to explore and walk around as much as possible. Think about it ~ if you spent nearly 3 years in a pack and play, wouldn't you want to explore as much as possible? She played with the other children and seemed to get a little frustrated as they ran around the pavillion because her little legs just weren't quite strong enough, but she continues to make progress being in the different social settings that we have exposed her to.
One of the gifts in the "Goodie Bag" was a light up toy. I have seen these before. They have a handle and a ball at the top that lights up and swirls around in the ball on top. Anyway, the kids really enjoyed them and have been chasing them around the house. Great toy for rainy days when we can't go outside to play!
Jeremy was playing and chasing our Foster Daughter and bumped her in the forehead. Eric and I took the toy away and Eric decided to take it a step further. While Jeremy cried, Eric took the toy and broke it in front of Jeremy. I did not agree with this and felt it was uncalled for and unneccessary. Not so lovingly, I told Eric that it was wrong and something his father would have done. Boy, were those fighting words!
Instead of being angry with me, he went to Jeremy and apologized, nearly in tears. I know Eric doesn't want to be anything like his father, and we are committed to parenting with love and using each mistake as an opportunity for learning. This lesson, however, was more for the grownups. While Eric would not be happy that I am sharing this story with you, I think it provides insight into a deeper lesson that we all need to learn. Most people take the way that they were parented and incorporate the good while leaving the bad behind. Sometimes, we all have those moments, where we act or speak just as we swore would never do. I'm sure my husband can provide many examples where I speak or act just like my mother, and to me, that's not always such a bad thing. I am proud of the way I was raised and appreciate my parents so much more now that I am a parent.
It's easy to focus on the flaws of others, especially our parents. It is entirely different to have a quality that you find so unfavorable of your parents pointed out to you as you make a mistake. There are lots of things that Eric and I wish to do differently. We take being parents very seriously and are very involved in our children's lives and upbringing. There are many MANY instances of things that have happened to us that would NEVER happen to our children because of our parenting and because of who we are raising our children to be. We are not perfect, but we certainly wish to instill the values and morals in our children that we find important to raising responsible, respectful, and productive adults. My children are a reflection of my parenting and I take that very seriously.
This week, Savannah got new flowers. I had the idea of a hanging basket that a friend of mine does for her brother's gravesite. Being a Wedding Planner, I had the idea of a flower ball that a flower girl might carry but on a larger scale. It turned out lovely and I was able to place it in the middle of Savannah's neighbors so that all of the babies can enjoy her flowers.
I will post a few pictures later ~ but props to the Floral Department at Ben Franklin in Newport News. They do the BEST work!
I think that's all for now. I wish you all much love and peace from our home to yours.
~ Shannon
Today we attended a birthday party for a good family friend of ours and of Jeremy's. It was a great party at a park in Williamsburge underneath a pavillion and it was great fun despite the rain. Our Foster Daughter, as usual, like to explore and walk around as much as possible. Think about it ~ if you spent nearly 3 years in a pack and play, wouldn't you want to explore as much as possible? She played with the other children and seemed to get a little frustrated as they ran around the pavillion because her little legs just weren't quite strong enough, but she continues to make progress being in the different social settings that we have exposed her to.
One of the gifts in the "Goodie Bag" was a light up toy. I have seen these before. They have a handle and a ball at the top that lights up and swirls around in the ball on top. Anyway, the kids really enjoyed them and have been chasing them around the house. Great toy for rainy days when we can't go outside to play!
Jeremy was playing and chasing our Foster Daughter and bumped her in the forehead. Eric and I took the toy away and Eric decided to take it a step further. While Jeremy cried, Eric took the toy and broke it in front of Jeremy. I did not agree with this and felt it was uncalled for and unneccessary. Not so lovingly, I told Eric that it was wrong and something his father would have done. Boy, were those fighting words!
Instead of being angry with me, he went to Jeremy and apologized, nearly in tears. I know Eric doesn't want to be anything like his father, and we are committed to parenting with love and using each mistake as an opportunity for learning. This lesson, however, was more for the grownups. While Eric would not be happy that I am sharing this story with you, I think it provides insight into a deeper lesson that we all need to learn. Most people take the way that they were parented and incorporate the good while leaving the bad behind. Sometimes, we all have those moments, where we act or speak just as we swore would never do. I'm sure my husband can provide many examples where I speak or act just like my mother, and to me, that's not always such a bad thing. I am proud of the way I was raised and appreciate my parents so much more now that I am a parent.
It's easy to focus on the flaws of others, especially our parents. It is entirely different to have a quality that you find so unfavorable of your parents pointed out to you as you make a mistake. There are lots of things that Eric and I wish to do differently. We take being parents very seriously and are very involved in our children's lives and upbringing. There are many MANY instances of things that have happened to us that would NEVER happen to our children because of our parenting and because of who we are raising our children to be. We are not perfect, but we certainly wish to instill the values and morals in our children that we find important to raising responsible, respectful, and productive adults. My children are a reflection of my parenting and I take that very seriously.
This week, Savannah got new flowers. I had the idea of a hanging basket that a friend of mine does for her brother's gravesite. Being a Wedding Planner, I had the idea of a flower ball that a flower girl might carry but on a larger scale. It turned out lovely and I was able to place it in the middle of Savannah's neighbors so that all of the babies can enjoy her flowers.
I will post a few pictures later ~ but props to the Floral Department at Ben Franklin in Newport News. They do the BEST work!
I think that's all for now. I wish you all much love and peace from our home to yours.
~ Shannon
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